Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Full Disclosure

When I first sat down and decided to write, it was because I wanted to talk about my running; about my first 5k of the year and how treacherous it was.  Seriously.  It was ugly.  It was hard and I really wanted to just quit.  However, I trudged through wanting desperately conquer my fear of failure; failure to measure up to the standards I had set for myself.

However, there is a greater fear gripping my heart today.  Protecting my children has become a weighty thing on my heart these days.  I often say as soon as you settle into a routine, something will inevitably happen to shake things up.  Something unexpected will creep its way into your comfortable rhythm and the fear of losing control grips my heart.  My children are growing up.  The once little babies that I held in my arms and protected with all of my might are growing up and are beginning the process of letting go.  They think they don't need me anymore.  They think they know more about life than I could ever dream of knowing.  They think they are in control.  Although normal, I'm not ready for these transitions.  I doubt I could have ever prepared myself for the emotions that these changes are bringing to my heart.

My oldest children are now facing real life situations.  They no longer worry about whose turn it is to play on the slide or who HAS to take the first shower.  They are making choices and learning life lessons will help shape them into the adults they will be.  Mistakes are going to be made, hearts are going to be broken, and temptations will be everywhere!  Although Mike and I have talked openly with them about life and the challenges they will face, it just doesn't seem like enough.  There will always be that "forbidden fruit."  There will always be those video games that just aren't appropriate for our home, words that others use that just aren't okay, or movies that push the limit a little too far.  It is one thing to see my younger children try to understand the "whys" of our decisions, but ultimately agree because Mommy and Daddy say so.  It is quite another to watch my older children listen, try and understand, and ultimately decide for themselves what they think about it.  It is painful to watch them make poor choices knowing that we will have to discipline them or knowing in the end their little hearts may be broken.  It hurts to talk to them about their decisions and actually see the defiance in their eyes.  I love them and I want to protect them from e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.  It is simply not possible.

I have never been a fear-led parent, but I do try and see the potential outcome of situations.  But by doing so, it sometimes pulls me away from their true father, God.  Although he has given me the responsibility to be their earthly parent, my children belong to Him.  As of late, I have allowed the gripping feeling of fear to come between myself and my creator.  I am having to remind myself that God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, love, and a sound mind (1 Timothy 1:7).  Satan is the one who is causing my doubts as a parent.  Satan is the one causing all of the fear.  Satan is killing my daily joy of being a Mother because I am so fearful for the future of my children.  I am not proud that I have allowed Satan to ensnare me with the feelings of fear, feelings of failure, and at times
thoughts that would bring down even the strongest of men.  But..I am realizing this has become an obstacle in life; it is keeping me from the ones I love.  Most of all it is taking my focus away from my God.  I want to have full disclosure on my weaknesses.  Hopefully by doing so, others can see Christ's amazing grace and his power is made perfect in my times of weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Only He can calm the storms.

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