Lessons Through Fruit

Every time my husband and I say goodbye, I am forced into a lifestyle that I never wanted.  I never wanted to feel like a single Mom.  I never wanted to be the sole emotional supporter of our family.  I never wanted to be alone.  In fact, growing up I always said I wouldn't marry a military man (God had different plans).  I often go into these temporary separations with a smile on my face but a hole in my heart.  The pressure that comes with being a military spouse is almost unbearable at times. While deployments are nothing new for our family, the amount of time Mike has been gone in the last 12 months is.  We've seen the leader for our family exactly 139 days this year...a bit over 4 months.  It's true that this deployment has finally ended. but I believe as a couple and a family we will be reflecting on it for a long time.

I always do my best to ponder on the lessons I've learned.  As much as I wish God would choose a different path to show me His way, in the end I am always convinced it was necessary for my growth as a Christian, wife, and Mother.  As per norm, our lives on this final go-round went a tad nutty.  We had plumbing problems which resulted in my daughter being without a room for weeks.  We've had issues with the school and bullies.  We have been addressing some medical issues.  Random broken household items, and emotions.  Emotions can never be left out of the equation.

Through it all, although I have smiled (most of the time) and blown off situations, the truth is it has been ridiculously hard.  I have questioned myself, my marriage, and my life as a whole.  I never questioned my God, as I had all but pushed Him away.  The craziest part, and one that I am thankful for, is that I remained faithful to our Sunday morning worship.  Every time I was surrounded by my fellow Christians, lifting up praises, I could feel Him.  He was moving my heart...telling me to not give up; reminding me that He was there.  

 I have been led to revisit the seven fruits of the spirit.  These were things Mike and I spent a very long time teaching the children about, encouraging them to practice.  Yet here I am, facing the good, bad, and ugly part of myself.

"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, 
kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.  Against such things there is no law."

Galatians 5:22-23

I am joyful and overwhelmed with the love at the way my children and I clung to one another throughout every stumbling block that came our way.  My children constantly stepped up to help whenever and wherever they could.

Unfortunately, finding my inner peace did  not come as easily.  I really struggled with so many overwhelming emotions and my kindness.  I recognize now that Satan was hard at work within me.  I felt so resentful that my husband, who was forced to be away from us, was away.  I got so angry at the "freedom" he had.  He could sleep in on days he didn't have to work.  He could go running whenever he was off.  And his meals...all of his meals were prepared by others and most often delicious.   Meanwhile, I was here pushing myself to make dinner.  I'm ashamed to say more often than not, they were nothing special or glamorous.  I was quite frankly not a very patient wife.  

How horrible to feel such hateful things toward the man who was giving so much.  His hard work enables me to stay at home to be with our children.  His hard work is what takes care of our finances.  Now the guilt...there he goes again...Satan at work. 

Because my heart was rarely at peace, my gentleness lacked.  

Because of that I was so encouraged and grateful to the kindness that was shown to me.  Thoughtfulness (goodness) is something I never take for granted.  I always try to be kind and gentle to others, but the amount of tenderness that was shown to me this past year has made me joyful!  My friends are the greatest. They let me cry when I needed to cry, listen when i needed to vent, and encourage me when I felt I could do no more.

As for my self control, well, that will always be a work in progress for me. However, I will say I demonstrated quite a bit of self control when dealing with some serious school problems and their seriously troubled system.

Finally, my faithfulness.  My faithfulness never wavered.  Despite my feelings at any given moment, there was never a question of my devotion to my husband.  Mike is my best friend, my partner, my cheerleader, my helpmate, and my love.  He is dedicated, self sacrificing , and faithful.  What more could a woman ask for?

Putting these feelings out there, make them so much more real.  Quite obviously I still have a lot to work on.  My hope is that now that my man is home, my loneliness will be disappear.  Once the realization that I'm not in this alone, we can heal and I can be the very best.

Sometimes you just need a hero.

It's easy to fall into a comfortable routine; especially if things have been going rather smoothly.  However, I have given up on the naivety that life will stay that way...smooth.  It is almost always a guarantee that something is on the horizon.  Whether it's a relationship that falls apart and the pieces need to be mended; a deployment is in full swing; there's deadline that unexpectedly shows up, or in my case, my daughter's ceiling came down.  Let me just say that again...parts of my daughter's ceiling came down.

What had started as the perfect Sunday that included: worship, skating, and friends ended in disaster. My upstairs bathroom (directly over my daughters bedroom) was leaking.

This was one of those times where it was 100% necessary for the children and myself to pull ourselves together and work as a team.

-Victoria called Poppy and explained the situation.
-Ethan began moving things out of the way as quickly as possible.
-Christian made some dinner for the girls before taking them upstairs and getting them all tucked in.
-As for me, well I ran next door to grab my neighbor.  Poor guy had just gotten home from a date      with his wife...still dressed up and everything.

Only after my friend had climbed over toys, nearly tripped on shoes, and removed all obstacles from a well lived-in house, we unanimously agreed that this was indeed a disaster.  The house...the leak...my daughter's room...my life!  A bit dramatic, perhaps, but there is no drama in the fact that I am currently without my husband.  That in and of itself makes every bad situation seem worse.

It's true that some things simply can't be avoided...the call to our insurance company falls into that category.  Finding a quiet opportunity to make an important call these days is nearly impossible.  To find that moment and make it through the call without sounding completely frazzled IS impossible.  The next day I was able to talk to Mike about everything going on.  His response was worded in the most romantic, the most thoughtful, and the most heroic way possible...

"Let me call them honey."

Sweeter words have never been spoken.  After the initial call was made the process went quickly.  The contractor came followed by a gentleman to get the mitigation process started.  Now for the plumbing...yea the plumbing.  Since the wet ceiling had now been removed it was easy to see all work that needed to be done.  I had no idea where to begin finding someone reputable that wouldn't cost one million dollars.  When suddenly...

My Daddy walked in.

I breathed such a sigh of relief when I saw his face.  Not only can he do anything, but his hugs just make you feel like everything is going to be all right.  It didn't take him long to spot the problem(s) and hop into action.  He had even brought all his tools with him!!!  After a full days work and a few hiccups along the way, we were leak free.  Total cost of the repair...$53!!

After the removal of part of the ceiling.

Let the mitigation begin.

...and this is where it all began, with a poorly installed shower drain.

Now, we wait for the reconstruction to begin.  

What have I learned from this?  I am stronger than I give myself credit for,

but sometimes you just need a hero...or two.

Me and My Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Attitude

I woke up December 5th already feeling defeated.  Thankfully I had slept for 6 hours and 15 minutes, according to my FitBit.  (I love that thing.) On the forefront of my mind was the simple fact that IF all of my "home remedies" had not naturally unclogged our toilet, I would have to...go in.  Seriously, this thing had been taunting me for a day and a half.  Gross, I know.  The unsightly truth is that SOMEONE had used the restroom AFTER I had announced that it was out of order.  So the mess went from bad to worse and I had gone from being bummed to mentally retching. 

That morning, the 5th, I was busy getting the kiddos ready for school and dealing with one impossible-to-please little girl.  By 8:26 I was sure this day hated me.

Although I felt like crawling back into bed and burying my head beneath the covers, I decided to do the opposite of what my body was begging for.  That is a simple lesson I've learned over the years to help battle the blues.  So... I hustled through my daily chores:  two loads of laundry, clean the kitchen, pick up and vacuum the living room.  It felt pretty good to complete those tasks in 2 short hours.  There was plenty more that could have been done, but I had to stop and run the errands I had putting off all week.

1.  Mail a package for Mike

2.  Get food for our lizard

3.  Head to the Kohl's and make some returns and exchanges.

4.  Finally, make my way to the commissary.

It's true, it took me 5 and a half hours, but it felt so good to check those things off my list.  The best part was knowing how happy my kiddos were going to be with the groceries;  that is probably one of their most favorite days.  It's funny how excited we get over food. 

I was almost home when I remembered the toilet.  Deep breath...pull up my big girl pants...drop $25 on an auger.  When I got home, Mike was on the computer.  What an awesome way to be greeted!!  Happiness can help a lot of things - including my ability to completely ignore the screaming child in the background.  One mean face and a "get to your room" had the problem temporarily solved.

After soaking in every detail of my husband's face, I decided it was time.

Just as I was heading to the room of death, my oldest son said, "I'll do it Mom."  I handed him the rubber gloves and the "new toy" and the boy did exactly what he said he would do.  He did it...problem solved.  When the water began to move, I do believe the heavens opened and I heard the angels singing.

What started as a 'terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day' attitude, ended in triumph.  I had completed every task I'd hoped to and my son had stepped up to help me out.  It's funny how God used this situation to teach me a lesson.

What a blessed day it was.

Just roll with it

I can't sleep.  Another deployment is upon us.  We knew well in advance that Mike was set to leave in the beginning of 2015, but not now.  No, this one was a complete surprise.  We went on for a couple of weeks as if nothing was different; as if no preparations needed to be made.  As the time drew nearer and demands of his work took center stage, we decided it was time to make the "mental adjustment."  We talked to the kids, cried, hugged, and then hugged some more.  We reassured ourselves that "we have done this before and can do it again."  But my voice felt a little shaky saying those words this time.  Of course we can do it, but I knew this would be a tough one.  Truth is, I didn't want to do this one.  I felt like a child folding my arms wanting to petition these change of plans.  It wouldn't do any good.

It's tough being the Mommy and having to be strong and encouraging for your children, but also being a wife knowing how deeply you're going to miss your other half.

We decided that since there was no getting around things, we should make plans for a mini-vacation and have some fun.  We rented a cabin and headed to Callaway Gardens.  We would spend Friday going to see the Fantasy In Lights and have our Thanksgiving there.  Staying in cabins are probably our most favorite things to do when we want to get away.

The lights were fantastic, but the best part was being all bundled up in the back of Mike's truck, eating popcorn and drinking way to much hot chocolate!!

My little snuggle bugs.

Our handsome and selfless driver!

Saturday, Mike and all the kiddos did a ropes course.  I loved, loved, loved watching everyone be so brave!

The little girls did the "saplings course." They had no idea what that meant, other than they got to wear cool gear.

 Addie is my natural born monkey.

 Kaitlyn is always up for something new, although ALWAYS very cautious.

 Here goes Christian and Mike.  Christian was juuuuust tall enough, so this was a big deal for him.

 Victoria was very precise and did awesome!

 Ethan...well he was out to conquer the world with his speed.  

Our evening was concluded with more hot chocolate, roasted marshmallows, and a family game of Quelf.  If you have never played that game, I strongly recommend you purchase it.  Truly, it's crazy fun and wickedly hilarious!

Sunday was going to be the grand finale of our trip...our Thanksgiving feast.

We had packed everything we needed to make all of our traditional favorites; pumpkin pie, sweet potato casserole, green bean casserole, stuffing, macaroni and cheese, cranberry sauce, and of course the turkey!!

In our family, everyone pitches in and makes one dish.  Since the kitchen was a bit smaller than ours at home, we took turns getting things put together.

Addie Pie made the macaroni and cheese...and you would never guess that she tasted it!!  Silly girl.

Kaitlyn made our pumpkin pies, which were delicious!

Aaaaand our turkey.  I've found that it is impossible for us to go on any type of vacation without having some type of unexpected adventure.  This was no exception.

After heating up the oil, Mike discovered hot oil was dripping into the flames.

Yup, the valve was broken.  Mike tried everything he could to fix it, but just couldn't safely do it.

I won't write down every single attempt that was made, I'll just go ahead and say...

after driving a total of 60 miles looking for another cooker/replacement valve, we decided it was best to pack up our seasoned bird and head home.

Once home, we threw all side dishes in the ovens and Mike fried our turkey to perfection.  It was lovely to sit down and eat our delicious dinner together.  We were afraid the kiddos might be disappointed as our plans had changed.  BUT...
That's life, and sometimes you just have to roll with it.

Matters of the Heart

Our garage had been cleaned out like never before.  Our front yard was manicured and all the springtime tune-ups around the house had been completed.  I mean all projects big and small were checked off our list.  Mike had even spent time alone with each one of the children in preparation.  I suppose you could say we were ready for this deployment.

It's been 4 weeks and 4 days since he's been gone.  When I think back to the time before he left, I am truly happy about the "things" that got completed.  But what about the simple, or not so simple, matters of the heart?  Sure, we talked about how we were going to miss each other and we smiled about how well things had been going in our home and between us.  I reassured him that we would be fine while he was gone, that I could handle things.  He reassured me of his love and that he would work hard for us.

It's true, military separations are nothing new to us after 14 years of being in the service, but goodbyes are still goodbyes no matter how you look at them.  I took my experiences from prior deployments and felt too comfortable repeatedly telling myself:

 

-It's only for X long.

- It could always be worse.

- I know what needs to be done.

My personal favorite:

*It's no big deal, I've done this before.*

 

 

As I sit here writing this thinking over the last 32 days Michael has been gone, I so wish I had not been so flippant about it all.  It's true we had a checklist of things to do and we went through it and got everything done that needed to be done...except one.  We never embraced the feelings that were stirring on the inside;  the sadness, the dread, the fear, or the unavoidable loneliness that we both knew would soon come.  We never dealt with the matters of our hearts.  Now looking back, here a just a few things I wish we had done differently/more of. 

 

      1.  Be in the moment.  It's easy to get lost in our thoughts trying to think ahead to the "what if's" and the "then what".  Make the time together just about you two.  If you are feeling overwhelmed with sadness at the thought of him leaving, just talk to him about it.  There's a good chance that he is too.  By just putting it all out on the table, nobody has to feel that they're holding anything in and forcing a fake smile.  The best part is that the two of you can then share a sweet moment together.

    2.  Appreciate those little things.  Do as many things as you can together.  I must say, we were fortunate as a couple, that our children were at school during the day, so he and I could do things together.  Some were on the to-do list, but others were just simple things like.  We would take the children to school and then grab some coffee.  If I needed to get some groceries, he'd tag along with me.  Once he even made a surprise trip to Lowe's and bought me 2 new knock-out rose bushes to plant in the front yard - just because he knows I love them.  I wish I could say we planted them together, but we didn't.  I just admired him work ;)

   3.  Pray and pray together.  In the beginning praying together was a bit intimidating for us.  I was always nervous about how I would sound; would the words come out right?  Would I flat out sound silly?  I heard from one of the pastors in our church, that no matter how uncomfortable it may feel, because it is going to feel that way in the beginning, you just have to start.  So we did.  I fumbled over my words quite a bit in the beginning.  Even now I don't sound a thing like Billy Graham or Joyce Mayer, but the words that I speak are from my heart.  There's something very intimate about Mike knowing firsthand what is coming from my heart to God's ears.


As I'm writing this, I realize we did do a lot together before he left (not just our "lists")  I'm thankful for that.  Perhaps our heart cannot ever truly be prepared for the absence of the one you love.  Thank you God for giving me a husband whom I love so deeply.