I have had a secret for a very long time now. I've kept it to myself because I've been ashamed...not knowing what to make of my reality. I've been ashamed thinking I was damaged goods. Thinking that something was very wrong with me. I am very well aware that God does not make mistakes and that He formed me just the way he wanted me, but sometimes getting your head and your heart to agree on something is tough. That's where I've been for the past 4 years. I've felt beaten down,broken, ashamed, embarrassed, hurt...but I was deceived. Those feelings did not come from above. You see, I have something that many people don't have...over-active senses. Basically what that means is that at least one of my 5 senses are more often than not on overload. I'd never given it much thought until someone very close to me made the statement that I was "too sensitive". Ouch! I took it as a direct stab to the heart. For as far back as I can remember I have been extremely sensitive...to emotions, sounds, sights, smells and touch/personal space (not so much taste). But again, I have been very ashamed of this and looked at my reality as a weakness. It was not until we returned from the mountains that I realized something very profound. What I have looked at as a character flaw for all this time is actually a gift. It's a very precious gift. When I experience things, I REALLY experience them. I love like there is no tomorrow. I hurt with my friends as if I am the one experiencing the pain. I feel wrath until I am sure there is steam shooting from my ears. When I was at the cabin and I felt the presence of God, you can believe me...He was there with me. What you need to know is that nothing is black or white, there is always gray. Although I am realizing that I am blessed to have a depth to my emotions that makes me indeed special rather than blemished, it is often hard for me focus. Getting away from loud noises, bright light and pungent smells is impossible. So my challenge is learning to co-exist with them and remedy what I can. I'm not sure why I am the way I am other than I have God's handwriting all over me. My doctors say it's because I have bipolar...I say it's my gift.
“It was not because of his sins or his parents’ sins,” Jesus answered. “This happened so the power of God could be seen in him." John 9:3
Aww thanks for sharing.I have been told I am oversensitive too. Like I am offended to easily. But it think that just means we have tender hearts, and people just need to tread more carefully! :) Glad God is working in you!
ReplyDeleteWhat a great and honest blog Ashley!! Just remember when you start feeling deceived, that He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it!! God has been doing work in me too!! =)
ReplyDeleteWhat a sweet, honest post! You're right -- God's fingerprint in on you and your heart.
ReplyDeleteCome on over for some mom inspiration and encouragement.
I love your transparency and totally agree with you. I've been told the same thing by some and just recently a friend said in response to someone's comment along those lines "some of us are the Lord's hands and some are His feet. Some are His eyes and see what others don't, some have the gift of encouragement and are His lips. You and I are His skin. We feel the slightest of breezes and the depths of every pain." I loved that analogy and the thought that every aspect of His body is critical. I'll gladly be His skin and will embrace the great feels and the not so great if it means that I still get to feel to the capacity He allows me. You're beautiful skin, Ashley. His skin.
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