A Year To Remember

It probably comes as no surprise to anyone, but 2020 will undoubtedly go down in history as the strangest year of our lives.  Everything from the toilet paper shortage to the 24-hour quarantine, things have just been different.  I must confess though; it has been a blessing.  From the insane scheduling of gymnastics, karate, football, mine and Mike’s work schedule, and school in general, things had steadily become out of control.  However, after everything shut down, we were forced to slow down and take a breath.  Before this, I could not tell you the last time we put a puzzle together, had a 3-hour Monopoly battle or had a Bob Ross painting night.  Workouts became more creative.  Walking the dogs became a daily thing.  We colored with chalk, dyed our hair, played dozens of board games, and had outdoor movie nights.  I was gifted with more lengthy conversations with my big kids than I can count.  For that, I am thankful.

Victoria is flying through her junior year at William and Mary.  She is currently virtual learning from the comforts of home.  Although that was a difficult decision for her, saving money on dorm costs was a no-brainer.  Victoria has chosen not to work while she’s in school as she is fully dedicated to her academics and us!  Our girl is one of the most thoughtful and determined young women that I know.  When she puts her mind to something, she is sure to achieve it!   

Ethan is currently in his freshman year at the Naval Academy in Maryland; he has become quite the expert in push-ups, late night study sessions, and grinding through the sometimes-never-ending days of plebe life.  Just like the rest of the world, things are looking different for him.  All academics are taken online which makes things more challenging as these classes were never intended to be taken virtually.  However, even with the all the demands, he still manages to check in often.  We’re so thankful to have him home for the holidays!

Christian is in his sophomore year in high school and has become quite the beast in the gym, at school, and on the football field.  He was the starting defensive tackle on the JV team, which came with a lot of grind on and off the field.  One of the most exciting parts of his year happened when the DMV opened back up and he was able to get his permit.  Watch out everyone!!!  This guy’s managed to keep an A average all while balancing his many roles within the family.  He is one of the funniest, most dedicated, and hardworking teenage boys I’ve ever seen.  Love this kid.

Addie has made the jump to middle school life.  We were a little nervous about transitioning to middle school, but man, she’s crushing it!  She studies everyday and is making tons of new friends.  She decided to try something new this year and is now in karate!  Anyone who knows our girl knows that this is right up her alley.  She recently tested and is now proudly wearing a yellow belt.  This gal continues to be the crafting queen of the family.  Every week I am gifted with a new creation…I’m loving every one of them.  My sweet girl is one of the most thoughtful, caring, and determined 

12-year-olds ever!

Kaitlyn’s year has been one filled with broken bones.  Mother of the year encouraged her to push through thinking she was just sore from her many hours at gymnastics.  It wasn’t until she came home crying that I decided to get it checked out.  Yep…broken in two places.  Having a cast was initially fun until she realized how inconvenient it was.  Shortly thereafter, my girl slammed her hand in the door leaving her without a fingernail and a broken finger.  Needless to say, we’ve had quite an adventure with that little one.  Kaitlyn is not only killing it at the gym, she’s flying through sixth grade with ease.  The transition was a little more difficult, but she’s great at adapting.  She continues to be one of the sweetest, most tenderhearted, and hardworking kiddos ever!

Mike was promoted from Squadron Commander to Deputy Group Commander of the 116th Operations Group.  This means more meetings, more responsibilities, but no more deployments.  In recent weeks, we have learned that Mike was selected for a broadening opportunity to work at Headquarters Air Force in Washington, DC.  He will be working on the development and acquisition of future programs.  Although we're excited for the opportunity, it will be an adjustment getting used to being geographically separated for a little while.  Thankfully, Mike will still be flying and will still be affiliated with the State of Georgia, so he will be traveling home quite a bit.

As for me, I am still loving my new position as at Caring Solutions.  Prior to becoming a wife and Mother, I had many jobs that I enjoyed, but I never thought it was possible to have a career that my sole responsibility would be to love the people I serve.  I have the opportunity to connect with those who are facing difficult decisions and am able to guide those who are seeking to improve their situations.  Even better than the patients I meet, I serve alongside of some of the most caring and Godly women I have ever known.  Although the days can be long, the benefits of what I do make every day worth it.

We pray that you all had a very Merry Christmas and are blessed beyond measure in 2021!

Precious Gift of Pain

We will all experience hardships; some may be momentary setbacks in our day to day lives, but others may feel so bleak it becomes seemingly impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel.   It is in those desperate times, we tend to beg and plead for God to take away our burdens and relieve us of the grief, pain, and shame that so deeply penetrates our soul.  Although there are times that God is merciful and delivers us from our pain rather quickly, there are other points when he allows us to trudge through some of the darkest times of our lives for what feels like eternity.  The heartaches of life may leave us feeling alone and hopeless; while these feelings are completely normal, God does not want us to be afraid or feel discouraged as he has promised that he will never leave us nor forsake us.   God allows some of us to experience pain and hardships to not only deepen our relationship with Him, but to allow us to walk hand in hand with others that may need encouragement that the storm they are facing will indeed pass.  Although, when we are in the midst of navigating through the dark and unknowns of life it can be difficult to see, God never leaves our side; He allows us to feel and experience pain in ways that will bring him glory to his kingdom.  Because of the precious gift of pain, we can walk through the valleys with those we love and serve as an encourager that God will not only see us through our darkest days but hold our hand along the way.  Perhaps there is someone you know that needs that reminder today. 

 The leaves are beginning to change colors.  There is a distinct crispness in the air and the slow decline of the Georgia temperature can be felt.  Fall is undoubtedly on its way.  While seasonal changes can be exciting, the same cannot always be said about life changes.  In fact, change tends to elicit a sense of fear and anxiousness in us all at some time or another.  As we are undoubtedly living in unprecedented times, we can certainly recognize that fear, ambiguity, and change have always been a part of life as we know it.  Unfortunately, whether good or bad, change is unavoidable.  The comforts we feel today may be gone tomorrow, just as the hardships we may be experiencing will eventually become a memory.  However, there is reason to rejoice!  The One who created us in his likeness is unchanging.  Our God is not surprised by the state of the world today; he is not shocked or deterred.  In perhaps one of the most beautiful traditional hymns ever written, songwriter Thomas O. Chisholm (1923) captured God's essence through his words, "Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not; As Thou has been, Thou forever will be."  Although we may be shaken, our God is the same yesterday today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8, NIV). He will provide us with what we need to get through the challenges of life.  God will always be faithful; He will always honor his word. God promises that as we grow closer to him and learn to trust that he is in control, we may find comfort in the everchanging seasons of this life.  While they may not always be as comfortable as pumpkin spice lattes and cozy nights by the fire, he has promised that all things work together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28, NIV).

A New Chapter

Sunday, June 23, 2019

It’s the eve of my first job interview in 18 years.  Let that sink in…18 years.  While some may hear that number and think of wasted years that I could have been pursuing a personal dream, I look at those years as being filled with perhaps my greatest accomplishments.  I’ve been able to spend the last 18 years of my life supporting my husband while watching five incredible babies grow and blossom into amazing people.  I’ve seen all of them take their first steps, been to every school party, and cried with every first day of school.  These not-so-little people have been my whole world.  While that will never change, the time is right for me to begin focusing on personal goals.

Monday, June 24, 2019

What led to this day is profound and simply cannot go unmentioned.  After graduating in June, Mike and I discussed the possibility of me getting a job while I worked toward my Master’s degree.  Weighing the pros and cons, we decided that rather rush into any decisions, we would “hurry up and wait” (thanks for the mantra US Air Force). We began praying for direction…Mike and I prayed, my family prayed, and my friends prayed.  I often spoke about needing God to show me a big neon sign letting me know what direction to take.  At times I felt like I would never get an answer, although in hindsight the wait period was fairly short.  One afternoon, while speaking with a friend about volunteer opportunities in our community that would allow me to work with people in need of emotional support, they mentioned an organization called Caring Solutions.  I began doing research and immediately fell in love.  This was a group that sought to provide women love, medical care, and support during a very vulnerable point in their lives.  While perusing their website, I stumbled upon several job openings.  It was then that I realized THIS was my neon sign.  God had used an innocent conversation with a friend to lead me here.  I swallowed my insecurities and submitted my resume. 

    

I was beyond nervous for my interview today; stepping outside of my comfort zone to apply for a position after all these years had my stomach in knots.  After my initial jitters had subsided and the interview commenced, I became sure that I had come to the right place. 

Friday, June 28, 2019

I am thrilled to say that I am now officially a member of the Caring Solutions family.  As I sit here thinking about reentering the workforce, I am flooded with emotion.  My dream has always been to become a therapist and this position will allow me to dip my toe into those waters.  I can’t hide my excitement of the possibilities to come!  Meeting new people, cultivating new relationships, and working with like-minded individuals is exhilarating!  I’ve prayed so hard for an opportunity like this! 

  

Lord, save me!

 It was high tide at Jekyll.  Mike decided to take the girls down to the beach and show them how high the ocean was.  It was a beautiful sight.  The littles could not believe their eyes.  The way the water rose up to the steps, it looked as if we could just step out onto the waves.  They were amazed, as just the afternoon before there was rocks, shells and plenty of sand to play in!  The beautify of the high tide was amazing.  The thought of the ever-changing tides was even more so.

Peter and the other disciples boarded their boat to cross the sea.  They were no sign of a storm, but shortly after their departure the waves got higher and the skies opened.  They were no doubt afraid, as it was so sudden.  I can only imagine their relief and total awe when they saw Jesus was walking on the waters toward them and the bewilderment when Jesus asked Peter to step out of the boat onto the choppy waters.  I cant fathom the questions and doubt as this sight unfolded before the disciples eyes.  The first steps Peter took, he was totally focused on Jesus.  He had faith.  However, the moment his eyes took in his surroundings he got scared and began to doubt.  Peter lost his focus...he took his eyes off of Christ.  I know as the doubt took hold, the fear and anxiety took over.  With his faith in Christ shaken due to the howling winds, he took his focus off of Jesus.  When we take our eyes off of the only one who can not only calm the storms, but walk us through them, we will inevitably sink.  Those are the moments that this crazy life we live gains control;  when deep sadness, loneliness, desperation, and uncertainty set in.  Thankfully, just as Peter did, we have the opportunity to call out for help.  It's one of the shortest prayers in the Bible, but definitely one of the most powerful.  Peter said in Matthew 14:30, "Lord, save me!"  It is because of faith in Jesus Christ that we are empowered to do the impossible.  Thankfully, Jesus is the perfecter of faith (Hebrews 12:2).  We just have to ask for it and believe that He will provide it!

Makes perfect sense

 I purchased these bracelets in January.  It was during a much needed shopping break that I came across these.  I loved the compass because it is a reminder to keep my eyes straight ahead and striving to stay on the right path; God's path.  The other one, for some reason I just liked it. I wish I could say it was purchased for some profound reason; that I was "feeling it" at the time, but that's simply not the case.  It was during Sunday morning worship, not long after I got them, that I was reminded of the fact I am to praise God through it all.  I am to "celebrate my path" even if/when it is not the one I chose/wanted to be on.  Eventually, when I would the bracelets would jingle and move I would remind myself to be thankful; although there were many, many times I wasn't "feeling it."

I doubt it will come as a surprise for me to say...it's been a rough year.  It's probably my least favorite for a number of reasons.  It may go down as one of my least favorite years.  I don't know.  Anyhow, with that being said, time is a definite healer.  So I am feeling better and am continuing to gain perspective regarding different things. Yesterday evening, as I was walking in my room, I noticed my Bible was in the middle of my bedroom floor.  It was odd because I definitely didn't put it there, but I figured one of my littles had hopefully been reading it.  they were either reading, or reorganizing my room.  Regardless, it dawned on me that I sure had not read anything that day.  I picked it up and decided to just open it and start reading, with no plan.  I flipped to Roman chapter 5.

"...we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

Romans 5:3-5

I could not believe what I was reading...my bracelet!  I am a believer that nothing happens by chance.  There is a reason and a purpose for everything.  By finding that bracelet and wearing it religiously, God was very subtly remind me to trust Him; to be thankful for where I was currently was in life.  While there were times I had to think hard and dig deep to be thankful (grief can unfortunately really suck the life and hope right out of you), I would do it.  Now, as I am emerging from the dark clouds that surrounded me for so long, my eyes are wide open and I see it!  I see that gentle reminder God was giving me.  I was to have faith in Him and believe that he would see me through despite where I was at that time.  He is faithful and for that reason alone, I can celebrate my path!

Always and Never

...two words I try to avoid.

Somewhere a long the way I was taught to avoid thinking in extremes.  Recently that lesson has become more important than ever to me.  I tend to veer in the directions of these "universal quantifiers".  By doing that, I not only limit my thinking, but I unknowingly give myself permission to feel those in extremes.   Life is not only made up of black and white, but of an abundance of colors in between.  However, as with every rule, there will be some exceptions.

Always

1.  Things will always change.  God tells us in Ecclesiastes 3 that there is a season for everything...a time to laugh, a time to cry.  There's a time to grieve, a time to dance.  Based on that scripture alone we know that life changes; jobs, marriage, friendships....  I could go on forever naming them and even then I'm sure there could be more examples that could be added.  Change in and of itself is not a bad thing, but grasping the reality that it is inevitable is absolutely helpful.  Trusting God with your life and constantly holding on to his promises is what will get you through the good times and bad.

2.  Your decisions will always affect those around you.  If an adult decides to skip work for the day...fellow coworkers will probably have to work harder to make up for it.  If a youth decides they'd rather not do their section of a school project...the entire groups will suffer the consequences of that zero.  It doesn't matter what the decision at hand is.  The rewards and/or consequences have a way of trickling to others, whether it's fair or not.

3.  There are always things to be grateful for.  Even in the darkest of days there are things we can choose to be thankful for.  It could be that you're healthy, that your children are healthy.  You could be grateful for the beautiful sunrise or the restful sleep you had.  Our gratitude does not have to be felt over the big things.  For me, it's more often than not over the small, simple things.  No matter what your blessings are, gratitude is always a choice that only you can make.

 4.  There is always hope.  Depending on our age and maturity level, we will all hope for different things.  Whether it is a student hoping for straight A's or an adult hoping for the next promotion, it's there.  Discouragement, pessimism, depression, and anger are all killers of hope.  They are brought forth by the enemy.  Optimism, encouragement, and hope all come from our Savior.  By embracing those thoughts is the same as proclaiming there is no Savior.  He is the one who provides us with hope and because He does exist there will always be hope for you.

It is a light within us that pierces the darkness of doubt and discouragement and taps into the light

(hope) hope of all creation - even the Savior.

John H Groburg.

5.  Always, always forgive.  I have been under the impression for as long as I can remember that forgiveness is a feeling.  If you don't feel it, then you don't give it.  I have been terribly wrong.  Forgiveness is a decision.  It requires very little of us, but the choice to give it is such a wonderful blessing.  It frees us from the snares of anger and bitterness.  It releases us into the freedom of knowing that we are trusting our God.  He knows the pain we experience and every tear that falls from our eyes.  He will deal with any and every *** that comes our way.  His presence changes things.  When we embrace Him and allow him to take over, our love will grow deeper and the anger we feel evaporates and gives way to forgiveness.

Never

1.  Never assume someone knows how you feel.  I am notorious for doing this.  I simply assume Mike knows that I love him...that I respect him.  Regardless if he knows or simply assumes, he needs to hear it from me.  I can not simply assume that my children know how much I love them and how I cherish each one of them.  They need to hear it.  Don't ever let a day go by where you fail to express your emotions.  Whether it's love, appreciations, frustration, or disappointment.

2.  Never get so comfortable that you become complacent.  Complacency happens when we get so accustomed to our routine that we stop growing as people.  We stop working on our marriage.  We stop working on our friendships.  We become too satisfied.  I realize that may sound a bit peculiar, because we want to be satisfied and many of us thrive on routines.  The problem develops when we stop trying to become better people.  We settle with average.  We settle with the, "that's it?" mentality.  Complacency encourages doing the absolute minimum.  There is a time for everything, so this type of mentality may be helpful for a season, but not for a lifestyle.  We need to continue setting goals and reaching them, only to have another goal lined up after that.

3.  Never forget that you too are flawed.  We are all fallible and fantastically human.  We will all make mistakes that we will have to atone for.  The mistakes and bad judgement calls are not so much the problem.  The problem comes in when we begin thinking we are better than those around us. Only after that is when pride settles in.  Our lives are a process.  Through every painful and humiliating decision and every hurtful and heartbreaking interaction, we are growing.  Our mistakes are what help us gain wisdom and craft our lives.  Everything that happens to us, good or bad, provides us with the strength, knowledge, and even confidence to live the life we are meant to live.

4.  Never stop trying to improve yourself.  Every day presents a new opportunity for growth.  Just as the flowers reach for the heaves, we should to.  The closer we get to the Father, the more we will desire to be like Him.  Will we ever be perfect?  Absolutely not.  However, Ephesians 4:25 says that we were created to be more like God, truly righteous and holy.  Not "holier than thou" but honest, committed, and morally pure.

5.  Never give up.  The thought of giving up is one that I have all too often.  I tend to get tunnel vision and am unable to see the big picture which is this, life is precious.  Satan does his very best to convince us that we are worthless and that things/situations/circumstances will never get better.  That is why he is knows as the king of lies.  His primary job is to kill, steal, and destroy.  If we are not careful and allow ourselves to become ensnared in his lies, he will kill our dreams, steal our joy, and destroy our happiness.  As long as there is air in your lungs, do not give up the fight.

Ask and You Shall Receive

Up...down...sharp right...speedy corkscrew down...back up...

repeat.

I wish my days were that predictable.  Some days I wake up and things I want/need to do just shuffle through my mind.  By the time I am standing upright, the truths of my life are back.  Some times I can simply sigh and head to the kitchen for coffee.  Then other times, my breathing feels restricted and it takes all of me just to get out of bed.

As sad as it is, I don't remember a time when I've spent so much time in prayer.  I praise him for my trying times, for my opportunities to practice patience, and for the grace he gives me every. single. day.  I've had to practice praising him through the trials of life.  It isn't a natural thing to thank God for these hard times, but it is natural to beg for his help when times get tough.  There have been so many times I've wanted to throw in the towel; whether it be relationships, projects, running, and more seriously, even life.  I keep begging for God to show me the way...give me directions to get through the windy roads of my life.  Please give me the endurance to make it through.  Show me light.  Fill me with you hope.

No matter how I feel when I wake up, there has not been one day where He has not been faithful.  In some form, God shows me his love by answering my prayers.  Most often, it's the seemingly small moments of life when I feel him.  I wish I could snap my fingers and everything be better, but that just isn't happening.  Today, I am thankful for a God who answers prayers; a God who holds my hand while walking me through torrents of rain, and a God who never leaves me.

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

Luke 11:9

                   

 This is a legitimate text message that I received from a kind lady following Sunday morning church.  I have never doubted the power of the Holy Spirit, but to lead someone to blindly reach out to a stranger?  My mind was blown.

 This month the children have been learning about perseverance.  This is a precious card that my little girl made for me.  Encouragement spewing from the hearts of my little one.  

Mike and I were fortunate to attend a Jeremy Camp concert in Macon.  Being in a place full of people worshiping was so powerful.  Hope was blooming inside of me.

  

 An afternoon at the playground with some of my kiddos filled me an overwhelming joy.

*Take a peek at Ethan's face on the swing.  He tolerates my silly ideas and loves me anyway.*   

While making a quick stop at Hobby Lobby these sparkly candle holders just jumped out at me.  My Nanny would have loved these...anything blue and anything that sparkled.

It was a pleasant and welcome reminder that what this world provides is nothing compared to Heaven.

Just ask.  He hears and is faithful.

Pressing On

I press on toward the goal

to win the prize for which God has called me

heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Philiippians 3:14

10K...Half marathon...parenting...marriage...LIFE

We all set goals for ourselves.  We strive to be better than we were the day before.  Sometimes we meet those goals and sometimes we come up short.  However, we press on.

I wonder sometimes, why?  Why not just accept things the way they are?  Parenting is hard. Marriage is hard and life can be unbearable at times.  Why not just succumb to temptation of "just going with it".  I have asked myself this question over and over this past year.  I've cried, been angry, and even depressed...thinking things won't get better, so why bother.  I'll never be able to run more than 6 miles again; I'll never learn to deal with the ever-changing mood swings of my 5 growing children.  Most of all, I've shed blood, sweat, and tears about the difficulties that come with marriage. Man, have I been burdened.  I've felt defeated on more occasions than I care to admit.

So the question remains, "why don't I just settle?"  

The answer is simple...I want more.  Not stuff.  I don't want things.  I want relationships.  I want spiritual growth in myself and in the people around me.  I want to persevere.  I want to run a half marathon!  Most of all, I want to experience all that God has in store for me.  I won't settle, because I know that the here and now is not the end of my story.  For that reason, I am pressing on.

  

I am Called to be BOLD

This has been such a full summer.  In fact, it has hardly felt like a summer vacation at all.  Don't get me wrong, our busy schedules have been anything but boring...just busy.  Mike and I really try to encourage our children's talents and interests.  When they want to try new things, we do our absolute best to make that happen.  Hence...the busy days.  One of the things we do every summer is VBS (Vacation Bible School).  This was my 7th year teaching.  Quite simply...I love it.  I love decorating.  I love getting to know the children.  I love watching our church pull together for one of our biggest outreach ministries.  I love feeling comfortable.  I've always felt comfortable with children.  So sharing my faith with them is something I'm comfortable doing.  However, now that two (soon to be 3) of  my children are teenagers, I have felt an incredible conviction that I needed to branch out.  I need to step out of my comfort zone.  I have resisted God's gentle nudges for a while now.  Working with teenagers, for me, has always felt intimidating.  Teenagers are well...they're mysteries.  I suppose that's the easiest way to explain it.  They think differently, behave differently, and often have more depth to their souls than preschoolers.  What if I put myself out there and didn't help?  What if they asked me a question that I had no idea how to answer?!  They're intimidating, I tell ya!!!  Apparently my fears weren't cutting it this year.  God all but pushed me into that church.  It was time.
     So this year, I volunteered to help with WOWBSAR (Week of Wonderful Bible Study and Recreation).  It's basically a youth (6th-12th grader) version of VBS.  We have a worship service together, a small group session, and play some crazy fun games in the gym.  Other than the age, the biggest difference, is that there is zero physical preparation to leading a small group.   We pray that God will prepare our hearts  and thank Him for the chance to work with each one of these youth. Then we put the night in God's hands.  He leads us in our discussions.  It could sound hokey, especially if you are not a believer, but I'm telling you, it's true.  I helped with the 6th grade girls.  I was privy to some deep topics and real heart struggles.  I was able to watch our future learn how to worship God.  Working with the younger children, I am able to plant seeds and pray those seeds will grow and bear fruit.  We teach them who God is.  The youth are learning how to experience God. What a powerful thing.  Watching these youth step out and feel God was one of the most moving experiences in my life.  I realized it's not about me having all the right answers.  It's about trusting that God to give me the words to speak.

Although the teenage mind still frightens me, I am going to be bold...continue to step outside my comfort zone and embrace it..

Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  

Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, 

for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

Joshua 1:9

I want to look normal.

I watched my 13 year old son sleeping on the morning of his surgery.  It would be just a few hours until he would be getting the eye procedure he had been waiting for.

  Ethan was born with a condition called "ptosis."  Basically the muscles in his eyelids never developed resulting in "droopy" eyelids.  After his birth, it didn't take long for the doctors to suggest surgery.  The fear was that because his lids drooped so far down, the brain would eventually shut down his vision and he would lose his sight.

His first surgery was done at 13 months old.  Both eyes were lids using a "sling."  he did wonderfully through the whole thing.  For me...it was startling.  My baby boy had 8 incisions on his little face.  Although he didn't cry often, when he did his tears were bloody.  My heart broke.  He did indeed look different. Time went on, the swelling went down, and the boo-boos healed.  We could now see Ethan's chocolate brown eyes.  So beautiful...you could get lost in them.

Unfortunately his eyes began to settle and once again drooped over his pupil.  This time it was only one eye.  At 3 years old we were back at the ophthalmologist's office.  The healing and recovery time was easier and the change was not as drastic, although his eyes were not symmetrical.  The gentleman explained that this surgery was to restore function to his vision that when his melon stopped growing, around 10 years old, he should have another procedure to make them the same size.

Now there we were in Atlanta preparing to see one of the top eye surgeons in the country.  Ethan was so happy to be there and not nervous at all...so he says.  He had told me countless times about the number of "jokes" that have been made about his eyes.  Everything from, "are you adopted" to comments made about him being Chinese/Korean.  He's a good sport I suppose...meaning he doesn't let on that it gets to him.  But to me, during our quite times together he will confess his hurt.  The Mother in me wants to make a visit to the homes of these jerks boys and tell their parents exactly what's going on.  I won't...I didn't.  I realize as we all grow up we have to learn to deal with these unfortunate situations; oftentimes the ones we have no control over.

Here we are in January with the newest procedure behind us and we are  6 weeks into our recovery period; back to school, basketball, and friends.  Although all his stitches are out, his eyes are still a bit swollen. The incision sights have now faded into faint pink lines.  Our surgeon did a remarkable job.  Unfortunately because of the swelling it has made it difficult to measure the difference.  Ethan had high hopes of an immediate difference.  Anyone who has had any type of surgery knows that isn't realistic.  I tried to prepare him for that, but it didn't change a thing.  He still held on to that hope. Now, disappointment has settled in.  He honestly feels as though he will never look "normal." (I simply despise that word.)  It breaks. my. heart.

My son is an outstanding, smart, witty, caring,strong, God-fearing young man who has never been afraid to put himself out there and try new things.  However, the need to fit in and feel normal is still there.  As much as I want my children to be comfortable...no, confident in themselves, the reality is that we all struggle with the hidden desire to fit-in.

Once again I am seeking wisdom from the only One who can provide it.  Only time will reveal the results from his surgery and only patience will get us there.  But the words I need and want to say in the meantime are simply not there.  I only wish he could see himself through my eyes, even more importantly, his Creator's eyes.

"The Lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared."

Proverbs 3:26

Full Disclosure

When I first sat down and decided to write, it was because I wanted to talk about my running; about my first 5k of the year and how treacherous it was.  Seriously.  It was ugly.  It was hard and I really wanted to just quit.  However, I trudged through wanting desperately conquer my fear of failure; failure to measure up to the standards I had set for myself.

However, there is a greater fear gripping my heart today.  Protecting my children has become a weighty thing on my heart these days.  I often say as soon as you settle into a routine, something will inevitably happen to shake things up.  Something unexpected will creep its way into your comfortable rhythm and the fear of losing control grips my heart.  My children are growing up.  The once little babies that I held in my arms and protected with all of my might are growing up and are beginning the process of letting go.  They think they don't need me anymore.  They think they know more about life than I could ever dream of knowing.  They think they are in control.  Although normal, I'm not ready for these transitions.  I doubt I could have ever prepared myself for the emotions that these changes are bringing to my heart.

My oldest children are now facing real life situations.  They no longer worry about whose turn it is to play on the slide or who HAS to take the first shower.  They are making choices and learning life lessons will help shape them into the adults they will be.  Mistakes are going to be made, hearts are going to be broken, and temptations will be everywhere!  Although Mike and I have talked openly with them about life and the challenges they will face, it just doesn't seem like enough.  There will always be that "forbidden fruit."  There will always be those video games that just aren't appropriate for our home, words that others use that just aren't okay, or movies that push the limit a little too far.  It is one thing to see my younger children try to understand the "whys" of our decisions, but ultimately agree because Mommy and Daddy say so.  It is quite another to watch my older children listen, try and understand, and ultimately decide for themselves what they think about it.  It is painful to watch them make poor choices knowing that we will have to discipline them or knowing in the end their little hearts may be broken.  It hurts to talk to them about their decisions and actually see the defiance in their eyes.  I love them and I want to protect them from e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.  It is simply not possible.


I have never been a fear-led parent, but I do try and see the potential outcome of situations.  But by doing so, it sometimes pulls me away from their true father, God.  Although he has given me the responsibility to be their earthly parent, my children belong to Him.  As of late, I have allowed the gripping feeling of fear to come between myself and my creator.  I am having to remind myself that God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, love, and a sound mind (1 Timothy 1:7).  Satan is the one who is causing my doubts as a parent.  Satan is the one causing all of the fear.  Satan is killing my daily joy of being a Mother because I am so fearful for the future of my children.  I am not proud that I have allowed Satan to ensnare me with the feelings of fear, feelings of failure, and at times
thoughts that would bring down even the strongest of men.  But..I am realizing this has become an obstacle in life; it is keeping me from the ones I love.  Most of all it is taking my focus away from my God.  I want to have full disclosure on my weaknesses.  Hopefully by doing so, others can see Christ's amazing grace and his power is made perfect in my times of weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Only He can calm the storms.

A Lesson Within A Lesson

"I want this Easter to be different." 

I can only imagine how perplexed my face must have looked as my 9 year old began our nightly "tuck-in-talk" with that statement.  He was so matter of fact...so determined...so sure. 

 

"Do you remember last year when I got so frustrated because I couldn't get my Lego pieces to fit together?  I wanted that to work so bad because, you know, it was cool.  I think I was so excited to have those Legos that I didn't even think about why I was really celebrating Easter.  This year I think we should read a devotion before we get too into everything fun."

 

Again, I just sat there looking into that sincere face.  I hugged him and we shared some very special time together.  After I left his room to go and finish up for the night my heart was soaring.  It is and has been our prayer from the beginning that our children would seek, no, that they would crave God's word.  We have prayed for our children to be surrounded by Godly role models, friends, and that WE, as parents, would exhibit the behavior that we would want them to mimic.  Hearing my little boy want to know more and keep things in perspective just did something to me.  For a time I felt proud.  I felt that we were doing the right things.  We were setting him up for success.  I was thankful we had found an amazing church that surrounded us with love and such sound Godly teaching.  Before I even realized it, I was taking credit for my son's faith.  Yes, perhaps we are planting the seeds and are blessed to watch them grow.  But God is the one who has led us to make the decisions we have made.  It has been through prayer and  his infinite wisdom that has brought my son to where he is today.

 

After shaking my head at how quickly I had gone off track, I once again thought about my son.

 

"I want this Easter to be different."

 

How can I make this Easter different?  How can I incorporate EVERYTHING and EVERYBODY??  I want it to be fun.  I love all the crafts and activities.  Hmmm.  Different...different...different.

 

And I realized at that moment, in trying to find ways to make this Easter different, I was once again caught up in the glamor of it all.  I was thinking about glitter, stickers, breakfast, and how to tie it all in with Jesus.  Shameful.  Jesus is not the "tie in" to Easter.  Jesus is Easter.  He is why we celebrate.  His sacrifice is what bridges our way into Heaven and his resurrection fulfilled his promise.  THAT is why we celebrate Easter.

 

Yes, my sweet child.  This Easter will be different.  It will be different indeed.   

 

 



The Truth Behind Loneliness

  It's a common belief that loneliness can only hit those who are truly alone.  So, when you're surrounded by people (young or old) and are plagued with that feeling, it can be terrorizing.  Loneliness is something I have struggled with my entire life.  When I was young, it was because I was an only child.  Now that I'm older...well...I'm not quite sure what the reason is.  I try and hold on to my friendships; I try to keep in touch with my distant family; I even try to busy myself with my own husband and children.  Still, at times, the loneliness remains.  The harder I try to fight it, the more it engulfs my life.  As I was pushing Kaitlyn on the swing today, it dawned on me.  I am not alone.  Friendships may come and go; family may be busy, but God never leaves our side.  He promises to never leave us or forsake us.  What more could I ask for?

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified
because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you;
he will never leave you nor forsake you."

                                                  Deuteronomy 31:6

Who Defines Normal Anyhow?

–adjective
1. conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.
2. serving to establish a standard.

Psychology .
a. approximately average in any psychological trait, as intelligence, personality, or emotional adjustment.
b. free from any mental disorder; sane.

Ouch!!! I must admit, I've always wondered...who exactly comes up with these definitions? And who is "normal" anyhow? My favorite painter is Vincent VanGogh. Not only is a talented artist, but he struggled with bipolar illness. He was born in 1853 and was unknown for most of his life. He did some crazy things, by some people's standards, but all the while he was busy creating beautiful work. Shortly before his death, he spent some time in an asylum, where he painted my favorite work of all...the Wheat Field With Cypresses. If you notice everything seems to be leaning to the left with the exception of the one large cypress tree. It is standing straight and tall. I'm sure many interpretations have been made about this, but here's mine. I believe he felt very alone. Possibly very different from those around him. However, who's to say that he is not normal? Who's to say that society as a whole is not abnormal? I've never really cared for those words, as they are so relative. Mike, on his trip to London, purchased a necklace for me. It has a beautiful charm of a cypress tree hanging proudly from it. I believe I am that cypress tree from the painting. No matter what, I am going to remain standing straight and tall, even if I may be considered abnormal...by the dictionary's definition.

Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.
1 Corinthians 12:27

A Surprise In The Mail

After checking the mail today I found that I had received a card! I'm always appreciative to receive something other than junk mail or a bill, ya know what I'm saying?! So, I speedily opened it up and it was a beautiful card. It didn't have daisies on it, but as most of you know daisies are my most favorite flower and that is how good this card made me feel.
On the outside it said:

You are loved...
You have a purpose...
You are not alone...

Then you open it up and it goes on to say:

You are loved...
Neither height nor depth, nor anything else
in all creation, will be able to separate us from
the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:39

You have a purpose...
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares
the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm
you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

You are not alone...
The Lord your God is with you...
He will quiet you with His love.
Zephaniah 3:17

I was already having a great day, but getting this card in the mail sure did make it better. I'm so blessed to have such wonderful friends in my life. Hopefully reading these words will be uplifting to you too!

Words From A Recovering Hypocrite...

I often wonder what I look like through my children's eyes. I know sometimes I resemble Betty Crocker. Other times I may look like Mr. Clean, minus the bald head, and I know there are times I resemble one big hot mess!!! However, those are not that important to me. What I really wonder is if I depict the Godly woman that I strive to portray? I teach my children to pour out your soul to God...that He is big enough to hold it all. He can handle our anger, just as he can handle our tears of joy. Our Creator is not a "fair weather friend." However, with a capital and bold "H" when it comes to me... I try to hold all my anger inside. I only want God to know/see the sweet side of me (yes, I am perfectly aware that God knows all). I only want him to hear my loving, uplifting and praising words. But wait a second...aren't I teaching my children that God is big enough for ANYTHING and EVERYTHING?

This thought occurred to me the other day while I was by myself...am I a hypocrite??? Well...errr...uhhh...yes. Yes, I have been. Whew, I can breathe now. I have officially outed myself. The truth is it wasn't until I was driving along the road pondering an awful situation that my normally "controlled" emotions got the best of me and I started shouting, "I'm so angry with you!" "I don't understand why you do the things you do!" For those of you wondering, yes I am quite sure I looked like a crazy woman to those driving around me. Am I really crazy...that's for another post. Anyhow, so there I was shouting at my Creator. I finally said my peace and then instantly felt ashamed for my lack of respect. But you know what? Immediately following my temper tantrum the song "Healing Begins" by Tenth Avenue North came on. My jaw hit the floor. It is true in the past I have been a tad hypocritical, but my teachings have not been wrong! My God is big enough to handle All emotions...even the raw and ugly ones!

Healing Begins
Tenth Avenue North

So you thought you had to keep this up

All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Let The Waters Rise

Looking Toward The Heavens

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.

Romans 8:26-27

Don't these flowers seem to be reaching as far as they can for their Maker?! I simply love this photograph. I am so thankful for a Holy Spirit who can intercede for me and speak the words that sometimes I cannot muster up the strength to.

Catching up!

Since I've been M.I.A for a couple of weeks, I thought I would just take a second and update what's been going on! Mind you, these are in no particular order = )

1. Mike and I were sick, sick, sick for 5 long days. When I say sick, I mean sick like never before. We both caught the infamous stomach bug. Here's the thing...I thought that pesky "bug" was only suppose to hang around for about 24 hours. Boy were we wrong. At the end of day while we were both still flat on our backs and the big kids were taking care of the little girls I decided to call in the big guns...MOOOOOMMMM!!!! Thankfully my Mom drove from SC to help! My children did a wonderful job of taking care of one another, but I couldn't ask them to keep doing it, nor could I do myself. Mike, by the way, had been quarantined in our bedroom as he was violently ill...I'll just leave it at that.

2. VBS is in 2 weeks and I'm teaching the kindergartners. I love Vacation Bible School and I am totally loving the theme this year...Saddle Ridge Ranch!! I think it's going to be so fun to decorate the classroom and "play the part" as a cowgirl!

3. We're also gearing up for Christian's 6th birthday. That's right, my little angel is going to be 6 years old. I say it every year with every child...where in the world has time time gone? Life seemed to pass so slowly before I had children. Now that they've entered our lives time moves at warp speeds! I just pray that God allows me to remember and cherish every moment...good or bad. Anyhow, we are planning a Super Mario Brothers party for him...WHICH, by the way is going to be a surprise. He is going to think he is big stuff! We're all excited about it. The tough part is planning a party without him finding out. I suppose that's a given though : )

4. I'm taking on a roll in the squadron (Mike's work) which allows me to work more closely with the military families. I'm really excited to be doing this as it will give me the opportunity to reach out to others and hopefully help make their lives a tad bit easier...especially when their loved ones are away. Plus, I will also have the opportunity to learn more about what Mike does. Even he's excited = )

5. We are all in the preliminary phases of planning a long overdue trip to New Hampshire. Yep, we are about to take this show on the road...a very long road! The trip will take us about 21 hours. Translation: we are going to need LOTS of stuff!!! So, I am in the process of making my many lists to make sure we forget little to nothing. With all that being said, we haven't been to Mike's home in almost 6 years! I'd say it's about time.

6. My big kids are going to spending some time with my parents in South Carolina. Holy cow!! This will be their first time venturing away from our house to have some fun their Grandparents. Victoria and Christian are pumped...Ethan is a tad bit apprehensive. His words were, "I don't know if I wanna be that far away from my Mom." Now if that isn't the most precious thing ever, then I don't know what is!! Mom aka Gam has lots of fun things planned for them and I know they'll have a blast. It's just going to be lonely not having them around. '

7. My nanny/helper/babysitter is getting ready to have her first child any day. So...since I'm losing her for a while we are in the process for finding someone new. If you are like me and do not like leaving your children, then you can understand what a difficult decision lies ahead. I definitely need the help, but finding that "perfect" person is just so hard. I've been not only praying that God would lead us to someone who will fit our family's needs, but also for Him to give me that peace that only comes from above. When we were searching for someone to help when the babies were only 4 months old, He led us to Kathryn. She has been the most wonderful helper any Mother could ask for. The time has come once again for me to totally trust Him. He knows my needs and I know He won't let me down.

So now that I've caught up the blog, I must again confess that I feel so behind. Unfortunately everything we have going on has some sort of deadline. Which is great on one hand...keeps me busy....not so great on the other hand...I get totally stressed out! I have prayed over each and every one of the things and feel led to do them. I think each opportunity will give us MANY chances to glorify God!! That is the reason I press on. My stumbling blocks come as I am constantly having to remind myself that while I may feel like a ship being tossed about on the rough seas, God is one who can calm my storms. He promises to give help when needed and in that I find my peace.

"We will find grace to help us when we need it." Hebrews 4:16