It Took Me 13 Days To Realize.

As I headed out the door for church yesterday morning there were several things that came to my attention:

My leggings were a bit too snug around my waist. -Ugh

 

My black coat had dog hair on it. -Classy

 

My face, that is a bit dry from the cooler temperatures is going out in public "naked" as I could not     find my moisturizing concealer. -Lovely

 

After I did finally make it to church, late, I had to practically use one leg to keep the useless poop from falling out and littering the parking lot. -Beautiful

 

Really?  Really?  Yes, really.  It was truly a remarkable start to my morning.

 

 

This year, I somewhat turned up my nose at the idea of New Year resolutions.  They seem, to me, to all be nonsense.  After all, shouldn't we constantly be striving to better ourselves?  Shouldn't we always be setting new goals and refocusing ourselves year round?  And besides, aren't they usually all pretty much the same; lose weight, be more organized, manage my time better, exercise more.

 

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

 

I have just remedied the problems I was facing just yesterday.  Bless my heart.

 

I must confess that I am now feeling a tad foolish and a bit like the Grinch on Christmas morning after he realizes it's not the presents/ornaments/food that makes the season what it is, it's the meaning.  Ahhh, January 1st may be the most popular day of the year to set new goals, but it's not just about it being the New Year.  It's about creating a new beginning; it is the intent behind them...our hopes and, dare I be dramatic, our dreams.

 

 

Although I may sound as though I am poking fun, I am actually gaining more perspective.  There are some change and improvements that need to be made in my life.  I am afraid, I have veered off course and more often used the excuse, "I can either do ____ or I can do ____, but I simply cannot do everything."  Side Note:  I must be sure and thankfully add that I am usually saying those words to myself, as Mike is supportive in many things I do.  Even when it comes to me not cooking dinner for our family because I am busy baking dozens of goodies for our kiddos parties OR clipping 100's of coupons because I am going to save us SOOO much money!

 

So, here it is January 13th and I realize the tradition of the New Year resolutions may not be so bad after all.  The 1st is just a perfect date to push the "refresh" button and/or "reboot" entirely.  For me, here they are:

 

Run 6 races this year.  The distances are yet to be determined.  I have a great many hurdles to cross before that decision is made.

 

Get in better shape.  In the process of my love/hate relationship with running I'm afraid I have put on a few extra lbs.  It's about time to get over the relationship woes and shed the winter coat.

 

I need to manage my time better.  Honestly, I would rather not feel like taking a zanex every morning after getting home from taking my kiddos to school.  I'm quite sure the teachers are tired of hearing my tires screech as I come whipping around the corner with :32 seconds until the tardy bell rings.

 

Be more organized.  Actually though, there is a positive to add here.  When it comes to signed papers, lunches and homework...I do pretty well.  However, if you open the wrong cabinet or closet door, you are in for an ugly surprise.

 

And with that, here's to the next 352 days of the year!!!

 

It's a Brand New Day.

The story of my life.

That is the reason I started blogging in the first place.  I wanted to share the happenings of our family.  Give family and friends a little peek into our crazy lives with 5 athletic and overachieving kiddos, a husband that works hard to make it all possible and me...who tries to keep it all together and moving us in the right direction.  I wanted to share the joys and triumphs and the experiences God was using to teach our family his way.  I wanted to share lessons that we were learning from our missteps and sometimes overly busy lives.

Why am I saying all of this?  Because my friends, I am spinning and I needed a little reminder.  Currently my life feels as though it is...hmm.  A mess?  We are right smack in the middle of celebrations, blunders and life lessons galore and...it is all going on at the same time!  I am a winter storm in the making.

Time and again I pull away from my Creator thinking "I got this"..."I can handle this one on my own."  And yet, time and again, the outcome is always the same; Somewhere in the middle I feel spent, tired and I just want to throw my hands up in exasperation.  As this round of life lessons/storms pass through, because I know they will, I want to fully allow Christ to lead me through.  I want this time period to be yet another example on how Jesus has once again guided me through.  Somehow just typing this make me breathe easier. 

 In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps. 

Provers 16:9

*It is noteworthy to mention that all storms of life do not have to be life or death situations.  Some things may overwhelm one and may not even affect another.  Something else to consider is that even good things can be mind-boggling.  Anything that comes in mass quantities in a short amount of time can shake a person up...so to speak.

Never Thought I'd See The Day

It's something I never thought I could do.  I wasn't even sure I wanted to do it.  In fact, I am positive I can think of 101 reasons not to run. 

I'm busy.

I'm exhausted.

I really don't like sweat dripping down into my eyes.

It hurts my knees.

 Just to name a few.

It wasn't until Mike returned home from a deployment and had decided he was going to run a marathon that I actually started toying with the idea of lacing up and hitting the pavement myself.  I must admit I played with the idea for several weeks.  In fact, I waited until Mike gently began encouraging me before I actually took my first step.  The first time was slow and dare I say grueling.  In fact, I almost instantly decided running wasn't for me.  After my breathing slowed to normal, I got a nice shower and I saw how proud Mike was of me I started to rethink my decision.  Maybe I could stick with it for a while and just see.  After all, it would be nice for Mike and me to do something together that we can encourage each other through.  Weeks went by and I stuck with it.  My runs weren't very consistent, but my distances were increasing.  The initial aches and pains were going away and I wasn't dreading the afternoon sweat sessions nearly as much.  One afternoon Mike made the announcement that we were going to run a family 5K.  Well, the big kids and I were running a 5K and he was running a half marathon.  Holy crow.  Pressure, pressure, pressure.  It wasn't long and race day was upon us.  Everyone made it and did really well.  Me?  Let's just say I made some rookie mistakes and didn't do as well as I should have.  

After grieving my perceived failure I made a decision.  Running is something I want to do.  I actually think I like it.  I like the way it makes me feel (when I'm done).  I like how tired I feel, knowing that I gave it my all.  I like having a hobby that my husband and me can share.  I like showing my children how important it is to take care of the temple God gave us. 

But then...it became so much more than that.

One morning I was surfing facebook and a status read:  "Why do you run?"

Huh....  

 I thought about all the reasons I listed above and well, yeah, they're all valid.  But, why do I run?  I run because I can.  I run for my Mom, who can't right now.  I run because today is all I have.  The truth is, no one knows what tomorrow promises to bring...what challenges they may face.  I never thought my Mother would be battling ovarian cancer.  One day everything was fine and then the next...it wasn't.  Every time I run, whether it's a long one or short I hold my "fight it & cure it" teal bracelet and think of my Momma.  I'm not saying the decision to run has to necessarily be a deep one, I'm simply stating my truth.
 

"Sometimes, and for all of us this is true, we are running away...sometimes we are running to search...but if we realize deep down that the truth of our running is that in our running, in our moving, we 'find' ourselves...Then for us running is the gift that lets us know ourselves deeper."

-Lizzy Hawker

Where does one begin?

School has been back in session for exactly two days.  This has been the second morning that I have woken up with a strange nagging sensation and for the life of me I couldn't quite figure out what it was.  Then after messing around on my computer for a little while, it dawned on me...I have not blogged for almost 8 months!  Prior to January my routine had been to rise before the children, read my Bible, blog, and then start my day.  Sadly, as of late, I have struggled to get out of bed before they do, let alone any of my other parts of my "normal" routine.  So many things have transpired since January, it would be impossible to tackle them all at once.  However, there have been many challenges, triumphs and ongoing hurdles that deserve proper attention.  I would love nothing more than to "catch up!"

 So where do I go from here?  Where do I even begin?  Well, I suppose rather than spending any more time dwelling on the disappointment I feel for my lack of diligence, I'm just going to start anew!  Beginning with this new school year.

 Victoria Lynn is headed into the 7th grade.

 Ethan Michael is happy to be a 5th grader.

 Christian Joseph is a proud 2nd grader.

.    I sure do love my "big" kids!

Here's to a new year and in many ways, getting back on track!

Resolutions

It's that time again; time for new goals...new dreams...new beginnings.  It's a brand new year; time for those life-changing resolutions!

Some want to be more fit while others want to be more organized.  Personally, I want them both; along with being more fiscally responsible, a better time manager, a more submissive wife, be a more joyful server and to spend more time in the Word!  Wow, that's a lot!  In fact, at first glance, it could seem overwhelming.

As I paused to reread my lengthy list of wants, I realized something quite profound.  Although my desires seem quite daunting at first glance...they're really not...at all.

In fact, my resolutions can be summed up rather quickly.  This year I am going to spend more time in the Word.  By doing that I will become:  more fiscally responsible; a better time manager; a more submissive wife; a more joyful server and I will take better care of myself.  Everything we need to know to live our lives can be found in God's Word.

All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.

2 Timothy 3:16-17

Dedication is never an easy thing for anyone.   However, by dedicating yourself fully to something, especially something as wonderful as our Creator, a whole new level of understanding and love will be revealed before our eyes. Besides, let's face it, in a world that's ever-changing, the only thing constant we have that we can fully rely on is God's Word.  He is the same yesterday and today and forever. (Hebrews 13:8)  So, that is my New Year's resolution.  I am going to spend more time in the Word.  As for all of the other goals?  I know they will all fall into place.  

Doulos

It's a word that not many are familiar with.  In fact, up until last Sunday I wasn't either.  However, it
is definitely something that can cause intense rebellion in some and immediate defiance in most. 

Doulos.

  1. A slave.  One who gives himself up to anothers will.
  2.  A servant.  

I squirmed in my seat last Sunday as my Pastor explained to the congregation what a doulos was and how it pertained to us as Christians.  Although slave and servant are both definitions of the same word, it can be a bit tricky as they, in fact, have slightly different meaning.  A slave, indicates a position of inferiority.  A person or position in which one cannot leave his master.  A servant on the other hand is when one chooses to serve his master.  As the service went on Brother Andy took a step further into some uncomfortable territory...sin.

We all do it.  We all battle with our own demons.  Some of us struggle with foul language...sexual immortality...gluttony...greed...anger...pride.  The truth of the matter is we're all going to be a slave to something...or someone.  We just need to choose our master.  Thankfully, that is a choice that God has left up to us to make.

We can choose to allow sin to dictate how we live.  We can allow sin to drag us down and give it the chance to define us as a person.  Or we can be the light of the world.  We can lead others to Jesus; show them what real, unconditional love is all about. That is what we're instructed to do. (Matt 5:16)

It is impossible to serve God and Satan at the same time.  I cannot be praising God with the same mouth I am shouting profanity with just moments beforehand.  I cannot possibly be living for God and harming His temple (my body) at the same time.  I must choose who I am going to serve; who I am going to be a slave to.  It seems, even as I type, that it would be such a simple choice.  However, as soon as I start thinking about my every move, thought and word, it suddenly becomes increasingly difficult.  Living for God is not as easy as it sounds.  It takes work.  You must constantly be on your toes and remind yourself to make the "next right choice."

I realize this blog is a bit more "preachy" than I normally am,  but for some reason it's been heavy on my heart all week.  I definitely think it is noteworthy for me to add that by NO means am I indicating that I am anywhere NEAR where I need to be in my walk with Christ...remember, I am a work in progress.  But I am always grateful for these quiet, precious moments when I can sit back and say WOW....I choose you right now.
 

Don't you realize you become the slave of whatever you choose to obey?  You can be a slave to sin, 

which leads to death, or you can choose to obey God, which leads to righteous living.

Romans 6:16

Newness All Around

I can see the leaves beginning to change color.  I can smell a crispness in the air and I most definitely can feel the slow decline of the temperature.  Fall is on its way.  I have always loved the way this particular change of season wakes up my senses.  I feel so alive and so ready to tackle the world!  This year has been just a tad different.  Something seems to be holding me back.  I have felt so melancholy since the busyness of life has resumed.  I have thought about it daily; wondering what's going on... why can't I get myself together?  Sure I can speculate.  Truly, it could be a million different things.  I just experienced my very last "first" first day of preschool with the little girls.  I am home alone 3 mornings a week for the first time in ages.  Since school and sports are in full gear I have a tremendous amount of scheduling on top of scheduling that needs to be done.  My children, mainly Victoria and Ethan, are developing interests of their own.  Although they still like to share their lives with me, it's not "Mommy, mommy, mommy" anymore.  I suppose...we're all doing a little growing up in this house.  However, I seem to be the only one experiencing growing pains.  Some of these feelings are very familiar to me, but some are completely foreign!  The newness of everything is almost enough to take my breath away.  My one constant throughout these ever-changing variables of life is, my God.  I am enjoying my quiet time with Him, as He is showing me all sorts of things through our time together.  The most pressing thing right now are the seasons in my life.

There is a time for everything,

   and a season for every activity under the heavens.

Ecclesiastes 3:1

Sure, right now I feel a little uneasy with all the newness that is surrounding me; a little unsteady as to which way His path is leading.  But one thing I know without question...just as these seasons of life will change without warning, everything is made beautiful in His time(3:11).  And that, is where I will find my comfort.

 

Finding My Focus

It has been a very long time since I've blogged.  So long, in fact, I'm afraid it would take days and days to catch up.  The ironic thing is, it's not as though things haven't been happening.  In fact, lots of fun things have been going on!  We've celebrated birthday's...gone to Disney...put Ethan back in public school...Victoria's started middle school...Ethan is playing TACKLE football...the twins may be going to preschool 2 days a week...Christian is reading full on chapter books and he's barely in the 1st grade....  Whew!!!  My fingers are tired just from typing it all.  As you can see, our lives have not stopped.  It's just me. 

The changes I am experiencing now are so different.  I don't fear these changes as I have others in the past.  But I must admit, the newness of everything is overwhelming...even though they are all good things!  It's been difficult adjusting to days with only the twins at home.  It sounds strange, I'm sure.  Having 2 children at home is a lot easier than 5, right?  Here's the thing...turns out I'm crazy in love with my kiddos.  While I am thoroughly enjoying my 'little girl' time, I miss having my big kids around.  Plus, now that all my children are back in school, they are spread out around town.  Yep, they are all three in three different schools and now that Victoria is in middle school there are many more things to keep up with.  Three afternoons a week we are rushing to hug, do homework and get out-the-door to be on time for football practices.  Every evening, I am checking and double checking to make sure all lunches are packed and that I've signed all agendas and papers...knowing if I forget, my child may be penalized.  It has been nuts.  I have found myself spending the majority of my time trying to stay one step ahead of the school.

All that being said, I have been so happy to have made it a habit to get up before the children and have my daily time with God.  That always sets me up for a good day.  However, I have realized that although I'm having my quiet time, I'm not really devoting myself to God.  I read my passages and I pray...but I can't honestly say that I don't have other things going through my mind.  I have lost my focus.  I have been so busy thinking about the daily "to-do's" that I haven't been fully committing myself to the One who made all things possible...to the One who blessed me with these children to look after...to the One who has allowed me to stay at home and take care of my family.  Starting today my mind, body and soul will act as one when I am spending time with my Creator.  Perhaps, having put things in perspective, my life will not seem as chaotic.

Thank you Lord for helping me find my focus. 

Freedom

Mike and I looked on from the window as Addeline and Kaitlyn proceeded to strip themselves of their clothing in our backyard.  Oh the innocence of children....  It made think about freedom.  For them it was the freedom from their clothes, but for me my thoughts were on the freedom of my sins.  What a liberating feeling it can be.  So often sin pulls us down and keeps us wrapped in bondage.  We feel so helpless and so trapped.  Even for the brief periods of time when we're not in turmoil over our shortcomings and wrongdoings we know they are still there.  Satan is always waiting to pounce.  Last Sunday our Pastor did a sermon in which he showed a cross an how we can give every one of our sins to Jesus.  Through Him and His sacrifice we are able to purge ourselves of the sins we carry.  It's only through Him that we're able to experience true freedom.  That sermon and my nude children forced me to look at my life and all the sins I carry with me, because I'm either too ashamed to confess or too stubborn to admit.  However, when I do...WOW!  What a beautiful feeling it is to, just as my little ones shed their clothes, to be rid of my sins and experience complete freedom through Him.

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

John 8:36

Sometimes I Wonder...

1. Where I would be without the love and encouragement from my Savior?

2. How such smart, wonderful and loving kids could come from such a simpleton like me.

3. How some people can call themselves your friends and then disappear when the going gets rough and you need them the most.

4. What happened to the easy days of my youth when there were no bills to pay and I could sleep as long as I wanted?

5. How such little people make you smile or cry at the drop of hat?

6. How one twin decided one day they wanted to use the potty while the other twin has zero interest. Twin #2 just enjoys cheering #1 on!

7. Why I am completely wiped out at the end of the day while my husband can somehow work all day and some how find it in him to press on? Whew....

8. Why I am so emotional.

9. Why I feel the need to take on more tasks the moment I feel overwhelmed.

10. Why I poke fun at Mike for being the Disney Land Dad...when I secretly wish I could be as cool as him.

Is It Really Just Another Year?

Are you kidding me?! There's no way this has just been another year! Yes, I'm not 30 anymore...I'm IN my 30's. For months I have been dreading this day for that very reason, but not anymore. It's true that I'm another year older, but I am so much the wiser. What deep hidden secrets have I uncovered you may be wondering? Even if you're not, I'm going to share.

1) God always listens. Even when you tell Him you need some space. He won't push, but He'll be waiting for you when you're ready for Him.

2) Husbands/significant others...there's no guarantee they'll love you back. So when you find that one person who knows the good, bad and ugly side of you and not only loves you anyway but continues to try and better themselves each and every day to make your life easier...love them with everything in your being.

3) Families can truly drive you nuts but without them and all the craziness we wouldn't be who we are today. Whether we come from good stable backgrounds or shaky ones, there comes a time when we need to embrace ourselves for who we are right now.

4) Having 5 children is the hardest job I can ever imagine having. The fussing, the fighting, the chores, the endless repeating of myself...ugh. Having 5 children is my greatest accomplishment and my daily reward...the endless kisses, the artwork, the compliments, the constant love, the smiles, the thank you's, the hugs, the looks on their faces when they first wake up in the morning, the look of relief when I kiss their boo-boos. I don't know what I did to deserve such wonderful children, but I am so grateful for both sides of the coin.

5) Best friends can carry no price tag. You know some people have tons of friends and that seems to make them happy. Then other people have zero friends and they seem to be fine. As for me, I have one...she's my BFF...my bestie....my sister from another mister...whatever name fits the moment. At one time I thought something was wrong with me, but there's not. I think I'm blessed beyond measure that I found one girlfriend that can finish my sentences for me and that both of us would do anything for each other.

6) It's perfectly all right to say no. It's not only okay, but it a) it feels pretty darn good and b) provides you with a reality check. Meaning, you really find out who your friends are. I have lived my life under the assumption that if you said no to people you would lose "friendships" and disappoint people. Not once did I consider what not saying not was doing to me (stressing me out, causing me to lose sleep and have panic attacks). At the ripe old age of 31 I've decided to take back control of my life because like I said, saying no is not a bad thing.

7) Having boundaries in all relationships is important. Again, for me, I think I've had a stigma that if there were any boundaries I was being shut out or shutting others out...boy was I wrong. Boundaries are the only healthy way to protect yourself from being hurt, hurting others and/or taken advantage of. Kids need them with their parents otherwise they're privy to information that isn't any of their business. Families need them for the same reason. Boundaries are actually a beautiful thing!

8) Secrets will eat you up from the inside out. It's so important to be true to yourself and that requires honesty. Admitting that your angry. Admitting that you're hurt. That's something I'm still working on because it's tough...but necessary.

9) Everyone is good at something. Sometimes we may feel like nothing we do is right or nothing we do is good enough, but that's just our minds playing tricks on us. I'm not even joking. Our brains are funny things that are capable of so much more than we give them credit for. The trick is catching the negative thoughts before we start wholeheartedly believing them. Because like I said, we are all good at something...actually MANY things...find them!!!

10) Bipolar...I have it... it's not a personal thing. I don't always like it, but it's one of the things God has given me. I'm thankful for it because it helps make me who I am.

Another year older and a tad bit wiser...let's see what this year shall hold = )

Words From A Recovering Hypocrite...

I often wonder what I look like through my children's eyes. I know sometimes I resemble Betty Crocker. Other times I may look like Mr. Clean, minus the bald head, and I know there are times I resemble one big hot mess!!! However, those are not that important to me. What I really wonder is if I depict the Godly woman that I strive to portray? I teach my children to pour out your soul to God...that He is big enough to hold it all. He can handle our anger, just as he can handle our tears of joy. Our Creator is not a "fair weather friend." However, with a capital and bold "H" when it comes to me... I try to hold all my anger inside. I only want God to know/see the sweet side of me (yes, I am perfectly aware that God knows all). I only want him to hear my loving, uplifting and praising words. But wait a second...aren't I teaching my children that God is big enough for ANYTHING and EVERYTHING?

This thought occurred to me the other day while I was by myself...am I a hypocrite??? Well...errr...uhhh...yes. Yes, I have been. Whew, I can breathe now. I have officially outed myself. The truth is it wasn't until I was driving along the road pondering an awful situation that my normally "controlled" emotions got the best of me and I started shouting, "I'm so angry with you!" "I don't understand why you do the things you do!" For those of you wondering, yes I am quite sure I looked like a crazy woman to those driving around me. Am I really crazy...that's for another post. Anyhow, so there I was shouting at my Creator. I finally said my peace and then instantly felt ashamed for my lack of respect. But you know what? Immediately following my temper tantrum the song "Healing Begins" by Tenth Avenue North came on. My jaw hit the floor. It is true in the past I have been a tad hypocritical, but my teachings have not been wrong! My God is big enough to handle All emotions...even the raw and ugly ones!

Healing Begins
Tenth Avenue North

So you thought you had to keep this up

All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

The Tough Questions

I Will Praise You In This Storm

By: Casting Crowns

I was sure by now

God You would have reached down

And wiped our tears away

Stepped in and saved the day

But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear Your whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

I remember when

I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry to you

And you raised me up again

My strength is almost gone

How can I carry on

If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

I lift my eyes unto the hills

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord

The Maker of Heaven and Earth

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes God allows things to come our way that seem so unfair. Sometimes/oftentimes, they're things we never saw coming. What do we do when we feel the rug has been pulled out from under us by the One who loves us the most? Well there it is...the question that so many of us think, but often don't admit. 'Geesh, things were going so well God, why would you allow this to happen?' or 'Why me?' or just 'Why?' It's so hard to wrap our minds around those thoughts, take them captive and own up to them. The truth is...our God is big enough to handle them. ALL of them. The bottom line is when that blasted rug is pulled, no...sometimes yanked from beneath us, those are the times our faith is tested the most. Now that we're in these new predicaments, what are we going to do? Yes, initially we're going to question, be sad, be angry, but then what? What do we do with these new situations? How do we deal with the unknown? How do we face the uncertainties that lie ahead. Believe me, I can recite the Sunday school answer of "just trust God". How can something be so simple and yet so difficult at the same time? The answer: it just is. Praising Him through the storms of life is what faith is all about. It's not easy. I struggle with it constantly. However, time and time again God has gently shown me that He indeed has a plan for me. I am so thankful for the spiritual growth that has developed within me over the years and I know that without changes that have seemed so painful I never would be where I am now. So, I will trust, that although the time has come for yet another change and again my heart may be aching...I will praise Him through these storms.

"When you go through deep waters,

I will be with you.

When you go through rivers of difficulty,

you will not drown.

When you walk through the fires of oppression,

you will not be burned up;

the flames will not consume you.

For I am the Lord, your God,

the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."

Isaiah 43: 2-3

The Fun Parent vs The Maid Parent

You really can't be angry when your children are speaking to you from their heart. You really can't be angry when your children are speaking their truth. Finally, you really can't be angry when your children are speaking their perspective. Did it hurt when my son told me that his father was the fun parent and I was the "maid" parent? It most certainly did. However, I didn't show my hurt nor did I show the anger that soon manifested. Rather...I just listened to him talk and asked questions. Why is Daddy so much fun? Tell me about the fun stuff that Daddy does? Then I agreed with him and told him how blessed he was to have a Dad like Mike. I meant those words from the bottom of my heart. Although my son is misguided in his thinking...tremendously misguided...I can see how he has formed his opinions. Mike goes to work each day and the children never see what he does. When he comes home he is hopelessly devoted to them. All his energy and all his smiles are for them! Me, on the other hand, I live at my job. My job is a 24 hour thing...I never clock out. Since Ethan is now home during the days with me, he sees what my job consists of. I cook, clean, wash clothes, organize and make lists all day long. Unfortunately I can see why I am being labeled as the "maid" parent. Please don't read this and think my son was being disrespectful, because he wasn't. My children don't treat me as their maid and they truly respect me. I think it's obvious he is a tad bit confused in his thought process. We will no doubt address this, but I just couldn't do it tonight. Without even knowing it, he really hurt my heart. I want to be the fun parent. The truth is, we do have fun together, but it's scattered throughout the day. Somehow, it must get lost in their memories. That makes me so sad, as I want my children to grow up remembering how we bake together...paint together...go on scavenger hunts together...NOT that their Mom likes to clean. Ugh! Besides, who really likes to clean? I've decided to come up with some type of schedule where I'm deep cleaning only a portion of my day. Once my time to clean is up, then I will devote the rest of my day to them. Of course picking up will have to be done more often, but if I limit the "heavy lifting" then perhaps my children will see me having fun with them more often than not!!!

Perfection? I Don't Think So.

This morning my family and I decided to load up and head to Atlanta for the day! We had big plans folks! Earlier in the week we made the decision to adopt a puppy and today was the day we were all set to pick up the newest member of our family! Along the way we ran into one of the coolest school supply stores I've ever seen! It was called The School Box. In fact, it looked so neat that we thought everyone should partake of it's goodness : ) That's right, we unloaded everyone and went inside together to check out what treasures this shop had to offer. It still makes me giddy just thinking about it...it had EVERYTHING! My favorite part was that the clearance stuff was right up front! Plus, they were practically giving away good stuff! Seriously...did these people know what was in these clearance bins and what their "sticker prices" actually said!!?! After I picked my jaw up from the floor I continued on my pursuit to find good deals that will help with our school. I was looking at books for cursive writing and came across this one:

This was a great book to teach a child cursive and the price was definitely right. The problem was and still is the saying in the medium sized star at the top left-hand corner...Practice Makes Perfect. I'm not sure if anyone else would even give this a second thought, but my mind began to move a thousand times an hour. "What do they mean practice makes perfect?" "Those are forcing unreal expectations on children!" "Do they realize no one can be perfect at anything no matter how often they practice?" On and on the dialect went in my brain...almost to the point where I just had to walk away and take a deep breath. What was holding me back you might be asking? I'm ashamed to admit it...the price. After much deliberation I decided to keep the book and use this ridiculously unachievable saying as a "teachable moment" for my children. Number one...God's Word specifically tells us that perfection is unobtainable. The only perfect person was Jesus Christ. Number two (how can I even follow #1 up with a #2) a better slogan for our family to have might be Practice Makes Progress. That, to me, sounds more obtainable...don't you think?

My Secret Gift

I have had a secret for a very long time now. I've kept it to myself because I've been ashamed...not knowing what to make of my reality. I've been ashamed thinking I was damaged goods. Thinking that something was very wrong with me. I am very well aware that God does not make mistakes and that He formed me just the way he wanted me, but sometimes getting your head and your heart to agree on something is tough. That's where I've been for the past 4 years. I've felt beaten down,broken, ashamed, embarrassed, hurt...but I was deceived. Those feelings did not come from above. You see, I have something that many people don't have...over-active senses. Basically what that means is that at least one of my 5 senses are more often than not on overload. I'd never given it much thought until someone very close to me made the statement that I was "too sensitive". Ouch! I took it as a direct stab to the heart. For as far back as I can remember I have been extremely sensitive...to emotions, sounds, sights, smells and touch/personal space (not so much taste). But again, I have been very ashamed of this and looked at my reality as a weakness. It was not until we returned from the mountains that I realized something very profound. What I have looked at as a character flaw for all this time is actually a gift. It's a very precious gift. When I experience things, I REALLY experience them. I love like there is no tomorrow. I hurt with my friends as if I am the one experiencing the pain. I feel wrath until I am sure there is steam shooting from my ears. When I was at the cabin and I felt the presence of God, you can believe me...He was there with me. What you need to know is that nothing is black or white, there is always gray. Although I am realizing that I am blessed to have a depth to my emotions that makes me indeed special rather than blemished, it is often hard for me focus. Getting away from loud noises, bright light and pungent smells is impossible. So my challenge is learning to co-exist with them and remedy what I can. I'm not sure why I am the way I am other than I have God's handwriting all over me. My doctors say it's because I have bipolar...I say it's my gift.


“It was not because of his sins or his parents’ sins,” Jesus answered. “This happened so the power of God could be seen in him." John 9:3

Three Little Words

Humility...what do you think of when you hear that word?

According to Websters Dictionary it means: The quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc.

The Bible tells us that with humility comes wisdom. (Proverbs 11:2) Weeellllll, I don't know how much wiser I am, but if I had to sum up what this deployment has taught me in one word, it would have to be humility. For as back as I can remember I've had the "I can do it myself" attitude. I've never thought of it as a bad thing, quite the opposite. I was under the impression that I was making life easier for those around me...Mike had a smaller "honey-do" list, my children had less chores, and to be perfectly honest...I like to be in control of situations. ALL SITUATIONS. Basically for the last decade I have been attempting to make the impossible possible. It is noteworthy that I now add...I am not nor have I ever been in absolute control. Anyhow, back to this whole humility thing. Although I have been blessed with the most wonderful 5 children any Mother could ask for, these 5 little blessings bring with them a ton of responsibility. Since my husband's departure I believe with all my heart that God has allowed certain situations to unfold before me that have forced me to say three of my most dreaded words...I need help. Oh my word...it almost hurts my fingers to type them. Because of all the circumstances beyond my control (yes, I said it...beyond my control) I have had to humble myself and ask for help. But I have to tell you, through it all, the most amazing things have happened. My relationships have deepened, my anxieties have lowered and I can even walk with my head held a little higher. Turns out, a little humility isn't a bad thing, in fact God encourages us to lean on those around us. That's why we have brother's and sister's in Him. Without those three little words...who knows?

Lessons From Walmart

I made a quick trip to Walmart this afternoon to pick up a few things for dinner. I was feeling particularly chipper...probably because (1) my Dad's here (2) I marked several things off of my to-do list and (3) I was all alone : ) As I was unloading my items the cashier asked me "How are you ma'am?" I replied with "Lovely. How are you?" And do you know what she said back?!? She said, "I am blessed." WOW! What a statement! I made sure she knew how profound I thought her three little words were! I never even thought of that. No matter what...good days...bad days...I am blessed!!!