Precious Gift of Pain

We will all experience hardships; some may be momentary setbacks in our day to day lives, but others may feel so bleak it becomes seemingly impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel.   It is in those desperate times, we tend to beg and plead for God to take away our burdens and relieve us of the grief, pain, and shame that so deeply penetrates our soul.  Although there are times that God is merciful and delivers us from our pain rather quickly, there are other points when he allows us to trudge through some of the darkest times of our lives for what feels like eternity.  The heartaches of life may leave us feeling alone and hopeless; while these feelings are completely normal, God does not want us to be afraid or feel discouraged as he has promised that he will never leave us nor forsake us.   God allows some of us to experience pain and hardships to not only deepen our relationship with Him, but to allow us to walk hand in hand with others that may need encouragement that the storm they are facing will indeed pass.  Although, when we are in the midst of navigating through the dark and unknowns of life it can be difficult to see, God never leaves our side; He allows us to feel and experience pain in ways that will bring him glory to his kingdom.  Because of the precious gift of pain, we can walk through the valleys with those we love and serve as an encourager that God will not only see us through our darkest days but hold our hand along the way.  Perhaps there is someone you know that needs that reminder today. 

19 Years and Counting

"How long have you guys been married?"  That's a question I get asked often; when I respond with "19 years" I often get a wide-eyed reaction filled with disbelief.  My parents have been married for 45 years and I know that every time I hear that number, I react with the same look.  It has nothing to do with the couple, rather, the idea of how long that actually is! 

We have had 19 years of deployments, TDY's, children, moves, military demands, loss, lessons, and did I mention, children!  There have been many ups and downs.  Thankfully, the good times have outweighed the bad times; however, by no means has it been easy.  In fact, there have been times we have both asked the question, "is this worth it?"  My belief is that every couple has, at times, asked themselves that same question.  If they say they haven't, either they haven't been married that long or they're not necessarily being honest with themselves. I don't say that to be contentious, but rather to draw attention to the fact while marriage begins with two people deeply in love, it eventually becomes a choice...will you choose to stay in love?

The first time I saw Mike, he was on the basketball court at McAlister Field House at the Citadel; he was all alone in the gym working on his game.  I was immediately hooked on that handsome guy!  I loved his work ethic, determination, and dedication to the things he found most important.  I loved the way he looked at me, the way he built me up, and constantly encouraged me.  In the words of of  Ren'ee Zellwegar, in Jerry McGuire, he had me at hello. That was the honeymoon phase of our marriage.  Although it was beyond wonder, that phase never lasts.

Eventually, the struggles of life with a job, a family, and being away from the place you call home take root.  Marriage tests our patience, our capability of understanding, our empathy, and our determination.  Will you run every time the thought crosses your mind?  Will you bolt every time your feelings get hurt or there's a disagreement?  Those become questions you will be forced to consider throughout your marriage.  It's hard, because we're human and self preservation is a very real thing. 

Marriage stretches every human boundary we thought we had.  It forces us to face the ugliness inside ourselves and embrace the joy we never thought was possible.  It is also true that marriage, as with any true commitment, takes work....but is it worth it?  Yes, it absolutely is.

Here's to 19 years and counting...

Once Upon A Time

There was once a most handsome young man.  He was a skilled basketball player.  On the court he was calm, decisive, and unafraid.  Off the court he was kind, funny, humble, and had muscles that went on for days.  Their beginning was a simple one.  After ogling him from afar the girl, who had been his cheerleader, decided it was time for them to meet.  Of course she was too shy to just walk up and introduce herself, but not so shy she couldn't recruit the help of a friend to make the introduction.  To her sheer delight the cute guy was also interested.

Their connection was immediate and undeniable.  There were many dates, late night phone calls, and snuggles on the couch.  He was passionate about basketball and his future with the sport.  She was passionate about him.  He wanted 1 maybe 2 children.  She wanted 5.  He loved living up north and all the snow.  She really loved the sunny days of the south.  He wasn't sure what direction he would go after college.  She was sure she wanted to go into the field of psychology.  He was carefree and open to try anything.  She liked to play it safe having some control of potential outcomes.  He was a spender.  She was a saver.  The attraction was impenetrable.

Graduation day came and decisions for the future were imminent.  He decided to join the military.  She...just didn't know what that would mean.  They had fallen in love, but neither knew what was to come of it.  She needed a new car to suit growing needs.  She liked the Focus.  He liked the Taurus. She looked at the affordability.  He looked at the safety.  They decided to test drive them together.  On that ride, the young man looks at the young lady and says, "We should just get married."  With no other thoughts in her mind, the young lady responded with a simple, yet confident "ok."

   * * * * * 

It has been 16 years since I said "ok".  Our romantic journey has had a little bit of everything in it.  It hasn't always been a fairy tale story, but it's our story.  The beauty of relationships is that they're all different and they all have potential.  They have the potential to be whatever we want them to be.  Don't settle and don't give up.  

 The day I said, "ok."

 

The day I said, "I do."

 The day I said, "I will."

  

The Deception of Grief

There are many many faces to grief.  The most deceiving of them all are the smiles.

There's the smile because I'm celebrating something new.  I am suppose to be happy.  

There's the smile because I'm doing something new.  I am supposed to be happy.

There's the smile you show your family.  I love them and I am supposed to be happy.

There's the smile you display for your friends.  They are wonderful and I am supposed to be happy.

Then there are the smiles that show the deep truth.  Your heart is broken.  Your body is tired.  Your mind is void of any other thought than the deep sadness you feel.

Grief is such a misleading concept.  There is no road map.  There is no real script.  There is no one who really understands it.  It's different for everyone.  Even people facing the same problems experience it differently.

It is amazing how even when our hearts are breaking...we still smile.  Whether it is to keep those around us from hurting, or to keep up the illusion of a happy day; the greatest deception of all the faces, are the smiles.

I wonder how people would respond if after they asked, "Hello, how's everything going?"
You replied with the truth, "It's actually not going well."

Just a thought.

Ask and You Shall Receive

Up...down...sharp right...speedy corkscrew down...back up...

repeat.

I wish my days were that predictable.  Some days I wake up and things I want/need to do just shuffle through my mind.  By the time I am standing upright, the truths of my life are back.  Some times I can simply sigh and head to the kitchen for coffee.  Then other times, my breathing feels restricted and it takes all of me just to get out of bed.

As sad as it is, I don't remember a time when I've spent so much time in prayer.  I praise him for my trying times, for my opportunities to practice patience, and for the grace he gives me every. single. day.  I've had to practice praising him through the trials of life.  It isn't a natural thing to thank God for these hard times, but it is natural to beg for his help when times get tough.  There have been so many times I've wanted to throw in the towel; whether it be relationships, projects, running, and more seriously, even life.  I keep begging for God to show me the way...give me directions to get through the windy roads of my life.  Please give me the endurance to make it through.  Show me light.  Fill me with you hope.

No matter how I feel when I wake up, there has not been one day where He has not been faithful.  In some form, God shows me his love by answering my prayers.  Most often, it's the seemingly small moments of life when I feel him.  I wish I could snap my fingers and everything be better, but that just isn't happening.  Today, I am thankful for a God who answers prayers; a God who holds my hand while walking me through torrents of rain, and a God who never leaves me.

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

Luke 11:9

                   

 This is a legitimate text message that I received from a kind lady following Sunday morning church.  I have never doubted the power of the Holy Spirit, but to lead someone to blindly reach out to a stranger?  My mind was blown.

 This month the children have been learning about perseverance.  This is a precious card that my little girl made for me.  Encouragement spewing from the hearts of my little one.  

Mike and I were fortunate to attend a Jeremy Camp concert in Macon.  Being in a place full of people worshiping was so powerful.  Hope was blooming inside of me.

  

 An afternoon at the playground with some of my kiddos filled me an overwhelming joy.

*Take a peek at Ethan's face on the swing.  He tolerates my silly ideas and loves me anyway.*   

While making a quick stop at Hobby Lobby these sparkly candle holders just jumped out at me.  My Nanny would have loved these...anything blue and anything that sparkled.

It was a pleasant and welcome reminder that what this world provides is nothing compared to Heaven.

Just ask.  He hears and is faithful.

Pressing On

I press on toward the goal

to win the prize for which God has called me

heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Philiippians 3:14

10K...Half marathon...parenting...marriage...LIFE

We all set goals for ourselves.  We strive to be better than we were the day before.  Sometimes we meet those goals and sometimes we come up short.  However, we press on.

I wonder sometimes, why?  Why not just accept things the way they are?  Parenting is hard. Marriage is hard and life can be unbearable at times.  Why not just succumb to temptation of "just going with it".  I have asked myself this question over and over this past year.  I've cried, been angry, and even depressed...thinking things won't get better, so why bother.  I'll never be able to run more than 6 miles again; I'll never learn to deal with the ever-changing mood swings of my 5 growing children.  Most of all, I've shed blood, sweat, and tears about the difficulties that come with marriage. Man, have I been burdened.  I've felt defeated on more occasions than I care to admit.

So the question remains, "why don't I just settle?"  

The answer is simple...I want more.  Not stuff.  I don't want things.  I want relationships.  I want spiritual growth in myself and in the people around me.  I want to persevere.  I want to run a half marathon!  Most of all, I want to experience all that God has in store for me.  I won't settle, because I know that the here and now is not the end of my story.  For that reason, I am pressing on.

  

The Precious "Present"

It has come to be a tradition of mine to write a post summarizing our year.  This time, the words just haven't come.  Although, there has been no lack of adventure and changes; I just feel at a loss.  Unfortunately, this has not been the easiest of years for our family.  It hurts to type those words, but it hurts even more to know they're true.  Given that, I had decided that I would just bypass this tradition, as I have many others this month.  About the time I made the decision to skip this year, I came across this gem.

"Though the rain comes in torrents and the flood waters rise and the winds beat against the house, 

it won't collapse because it is built on bedrock."

Matthew 7:25

Despite the trials we've faced, the foundation of our family is built on God's word.  No, that doesn't mean we're perfect.  No, that doesn't mean our foundation can't be shaken.  What it does mean is that because God is there we won't crumble.

With that in mind, I realized I don't have to look back.  I don't even have to look to the future.  I have permission to just appreciate the gift of the precious present...

which is a beautiful thing.

We spent Christmas in beautiful New Hampshire.  Our family has spent so much quality time together and made so many wonderful memories that we will talk about for years!!!  We've been with family we haven't seen in years, gone to our first NFL game, played in real snow, gone sledding, been to times square, and the 9-11 Memorial.  It feels like we're in a little world of our own...so cozy, comfortable, and safe.

                

We cut down our own Christmas tree and decorated Grandma's living room!

                                                

We visited the 9/11 Memorial, Times Square, and even had an authentic New York style pizza!

We went to our very first NFL game and practically got to touch two of our favorite players...

Brady and Gronks!

 

       

 We experienced our first REAL snow and had our first sledding experience! 

With 2015 coming to an end, the greatest lesson I'll take with me is how amazing God's grace is.

He showered us with His grace and allowed us to have a beautiful Christmas and enjoy the "presence" of one another. So, here's to 2016!

Am I Worth It?

I just spent $30 on washing laundry that had been piling up for over a week.  While I would normally be beating myself up over spending the small fortune, I'm finding the steady hum of the dryers oddly comforting.  Yes, I should be prepping dinner and mopping my floors; goodness knows my bathrooms could use a good scrub.  But here I sit...alone at the laundromat with my pen and paper.

It pains me a little to have just spent that money, but it's very true that I have been "out of commission" for about a week.  Those dirty clothes were stacking up just as fast as the dirty dishes. So rather than doing one load at a time continuously for 10 hours straight, I decided to just knock it out. If I look at it like, $30 is a small price to pay to have some peace in my life; maybe even a sense of accomplishment and a temporarily empty hamper.  I'm worth that.

I have really been struggling with my self worth.  I'm sure many of us have at one time or another, but being a stay-at-home-Mom, I am often overtaken with the worries of not being enough.  "I'm not patient enough.  My food isn't good enough.  My house is never going to be clean enough.  I'm not skinny enough...pretty enough."  Those are just a few of the thoughts I have swirling through my head on a daily basis these days.  Right now, I am in the depths of a cesspool that only God can see through.  I'm drowning in my lack of self worth and my lack of value.  Why is it that we are so quick to believe the negative self talk and yet words of affirmation fall on deaf ears?  Why is it that the actions of others press so firmly on our chest that it feels as if it is going to snuff the life right out of us?

The Godly truth is, we are all worth it.  We are worth fighting for.  We deserve to feel loved no matter what our homes look like, meals taste like, and no matter the size of our clothes.  Sometimes others may make you feel worthless and it is during those times we need to cling for dear life to the only one who truly values us.

We are all princesses.  We are the daughters of the one true King and he says I'm worth dying for.

There Once Was A Perfect Parent

...and her name was not Ashley.


There are times when things are so close to your heart, it is nearly impossible to keep them in perspective.  As the dynamics around my house keep changing, I often find myself questioning myself.  "What's going on with ... ?  What are the motives behind these behaviors?  What am I missing?  HOW did I miss it? Wait...what the heck is it?!"  Life (and parenting) can be crazy, but there are also those rare and beautiful moments of tranquility and opportunities to just breathe and be thankful.  It is during those unassuming moments of rest in which Satan dances into the picture.  Cue the father of lies.  Suddenly, I find myself ripped from the safety of my "happy place" and thrust into the middle of a hurricane all the while trying to walk the tight rope of parenting.

This is tough.  When my kiddos were small, I remember thinking how strenuous things were; there was little sleep, little alone time, and lots to keep up with.  As my kiddos have grown and multiplied things are different and yet oddly the same.  There is much more sleeping, many more opportunities for personal hobbies, but there are still a million things x5 to keep up with.  Although guiding these little people through life is still hard, it's just a different kind of hard.

A friend once passed on a little story that had been shared with them:

"The perfect parent 

put his perfect children 

in the perfect place 

and they still chose to sin."

I'm not often speechless, but I must admit...I am.  I wonder how many times in a day God looks at me with the same puzzled look I often give my children.  The mere thought of that brings me down a few notches.  It's so easy to get caught up in all the questions of life, behaviors, and mistakes.  However, I can testify that all the worrying, crying, and even temper tantrums I've thrown throughout the years hasn't changed a thing.  I still make mistakes.  My children still make mistakes and I still desperately want to protect them from any and all poor choices.  However, the reality of the situation is, there is only one who can help with all this...and that is the perfect parent.

He is greater than any trial.  He is stronger than any storm.  And the depth of his love is inconceivable.  As impossible as it is to think about someone loving my children more than me...He does.

And, that, dear friends is who I will love, follow, and trust to guide me.

Lessons Through Fruit

Every time my husband and I say goodbye, I am forced into a lifestyle that I never wanted.  I never wanted to feel like a single Mom.  I never wanted to be the sole emotional supporter of our family.  I never wanted to be alone.  In fact, growing up I always said I wouldn't marry a military man (God had different plans).  I often go into these temporary separations with a smile on my face but a hole in my heart.  The pressure that comes with being a military spouse is almost unbearable at times. While deployments are nothing new for our family, the amount of time Mike has been gone in the last 12 months is.  We've seen the leader for our family exactly 139 days this year...a bit over 4 months.  It's true that this deployment has finally ended. but I believe as a couple and a family we will be reflecting on it for a long time.

I always do my best to ponder on the lessons I've learned.  As much as I wish God would choose a different path to show me His way, in the end I am always convinced it was necessary for my growth as a Christian, wife, and Mother.  As per norm, our lives on this final go-round went a tad nutty.  We had plumbing problems which resulted in my daughter being without a room for weeks.  We've had issues with the school and bullies.  We have been addressing some medical issues.  Random broken household items, and emotions.  Emotions can never be left out of the equation.

Through it all, although I have smiled (most of the time) and blown off situations, the truth is it has been ridiculously hard.  I have questioned myself, my marriage, and my life as a whole.  I never questioned my God, as I had all but pushed Him away.  The craziest part, and one that I am thankful for, is that I remained faithful to our Sunday morning worship.  Every time I was surrounded by my fellow Christians, lifting up praises, I could feel Him.  He was moving my heart...telling me to not give up; reminding me that He was there.  

 I have been led to revisit the seven fruits of the spirit.  These were things Mike and I spent a very long time teaching the children about, encouraging them to practice.  Yet here I am, facing the good, bad, and ugly part of myself.

"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, 
kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.  Against such things there is no law."

Galatians 5:22-23

I am joyful and overwhelmed with the love at the way my children and I clung to one another throughout every stumbling block that came our way.  My children constantly stepped up to help whenever and wherever they could.

Unfortunately, finding my inner peace did  not come as easily.  I really struggled with so many overwhelming emotions and my kindness.  I recognize now that Satan was hard at work within me.  I felt so resentful that my husband, who was forced to be away from us, was away.  I got so angry at the "freedom" he had.  He could sleep in on days he didn't have to work.  He could go running whenever he was off.  And his meals...all of his meals were prepared by others and most often delicious.   Meanwhile, I was here pushing myself to make dinner.  I'm ashamed to say more often than not, they were nothing special or glamorous.  I was quite frankly not a very patient wife.  

How horrible to feel such hateful things toward the man who was giving so much.  His hard work enables me to stay at home to be with our children.  His hard work is what takes care of our finances.  Now the guilt...there he goes again...Satan at work. 

Because my heart was rarely at peace, my gentleness lacked.  

Because of that I was so encouraged and grateful to the kindness that was shown to me.  Thoughtfulness (goodness) is something I never take for granted.  I always try to be kind and gentle to others, but the amount of tenderness that was shown to me this past year has made me joyful!  My friends are the greatest. They let me cry when I needed to cry, listen when i needed to vent, and encourage me when I felt I could do no more.

As for my self control, well, that will always be a work in progress for me. However, I will say I demonstrated quite a bit of self control when dealing with some serious school problems and their seriously troubled system.

Finally, my faithfulness.  My faithfulness never wavered.  Despite my feelings at any given moment, there was never a question of my devotion to my husband.  Mike is my best friend, my partner, my cheerleader, my helpmate, and my love.  He is dedicated, self sacrificing , and faithful.  What more could a woman ask for?

Putting these feelings out there, make them so much more real.  Quite obviously I still have a lot to work on.  My hope is that now that my man is home, my loneliness will be disappear.  Once the realization that I'm not in this alone, we can heal and I can be the very best.

Let's Talk About Sex...

Yes, let's talk about the beautiful union between a man and woman who have joined their lives and committed to one another to love, cherish, and always cling to one another until death do they part. Yes, let's talk about sex.  We have had this discussion with our two oldest children already and have continued to keep the conversations going adapting with age and maturity.  Our second son is 10 and  in theory we should be getting ready for "introductory talk, even though said child still giggles at the word penis.  It is because of that that we have taken a much slower approach to sex.  So you can imagine our surprise when he comes home from school to tell me that a fellow student was talking about raping another.  The exact words...

"it's raping time!"

I had to have a moment of silence after my boy gave me the rundown and then asked what in the world that was.  My child who still giggles at the reference to any male part...who still gets grossed out when he sees Mom and Dad kissing asked me about this.  The children at school tried to figure it out saying things like:
"it's sexual assault", "no, it's just beating a girl up", "no, it's beating a girl up and then, you know."

To say his mind was on overload is an understatement.  I did the best I could at explaining without entirely disgusting him.  I explained that rape was indeed a physical assault, but that it's also when someone touches another inappropriately...after the they have said no or stop it.  We went back to the good touch - bad touch.  My poor little and trusting guy could simply not wrap his mind around this.  He kept asking me "why would anyone do that a person?"

The child who forced me to have this discussion with my son had been a thorn in my side all year.  The way the school has handled him has been unacceptable.  But THIS!?  Surely this wouldn't go overlooked...There was no disciplinary action; the little girls parents were not notified immediately, and a school counselor was never brought in to talk to these students about the seriousness of his words.  Honestly, it's been disgusting.

With that incident out in the open, it is fair for me to say that my younger three children have been surrounded with kiddos who want nothing more than to...bully.  Yes, I said it.  I typically shy away from that word as our school system has become so enamored with throwing it around, that I try to only use it when the situation calls for it.  I digress...we've had bus bullies, a girly "finger-snap" situation, and some brand new choice words that have been introduced.

There was one time a particular boy, we'll call him Dennis, thought it would be a good idea to pick on OUR little girls.  There were a few days they had to ride the bus and  Dennis the Mennace thought it to be a good idea to call them some choice words.  I suppose it slipped his mind that their big brother, although annoyed with them at times himself, would absolutely not stand for it.  The problem came to a head when the boy said, "f*** you and your sisters."  Thankfully Christian is a thoughtful child and decided to take the afternoon to send his Daddy a message...

"should I beat him up at his house, at school, or on the bus?  I'm thinking his house."

I love that he was ready to throw down in his sister's honor, but as a responsible adult, I had to discourage it.

On another occasion "Dennis" got upset with a fellow student...a girl, and he threatened to bring his gun to school and "shoot you in the head."

Another incident involved his bringing his shot gun pellets to school.  He wanted everyone to see what they looked like and that yes, indeed, he had his own gun.

By now there was an entire group of parents waiting for something to be done.  Nothing...Nada...Zip.
I just kept asking myself, "what is wroooong with these people!?  The boy obviously needs some help...he is all but screaming for it."  He has truly become a menace to society and has deeply hurt my son.  Not only because the kid is a turd, but because Christian simply not wrap his mind around the "why's" of it all.

"Why would someone say that?  Why would they laugh about hurting someone else?  Why does he want to pick on little kids?  Why isn't anything being done?"

Those are just some of the questions I have searched my heart for a good answer to.  My heart is breaking for my son and the other children that have been affected.  For now, he's getting some extra love from Momma and we're counting down the days until Daddy gets home!